You don’t tell someone that “It’s normal to be afraid” in the hope that they will continue to be afraid. When we comfort a child and explain to them that what they’re going through is normal, what we mean is that being afaird is a normal part of the progression from not realizing there is something to be afraid of, to being afraid, to learning to overcome that fear or confront that fear or integrate that fear. Fear itself isn’t the desired end state. Comfort might be, if the fear is unreasonable. Courage might be, if the fear is reasonable. And you might need both to get to where you need to be, to a position of being able to live life in spite of your fear.
So whether your tactic is confrontation or sympathy, the real goal is the same. That is the thing we must not lose sight of, whatever end we come at things from. There may be a real question which technique will work best in this or that situation with this or that person, or whether perhaps a mix of both might be needed. But the goal of comfort in the face of being afraid isn’t enable us to continue to be afraid, it is so we can realize our own security and power to move beyond it, or even against it.
So, a typical dad who is fixed on pushing their child might need to consider if maybe the child really isn’t ready and so maybe they shouldn’t push so hard, or maybe they should provide more help and comfort. And a typical mom might need to consider if maybe the child handle what they’re facing and should be pushed, or help them less. Whatever your tendency is, you need to at least have the possibility in mind that you might be going too far or possibly not far enough.
But whichever extreme you err toward, the goal is to go places. We just need to be smart about how we do it so we get where we’re hoping to go.
Making Nobody Happy 