Sympathy across the sexes

And the women, rather than granting that I also had a valid experience that showed the universality of the hurtfulness of certain kinds of behavior (not that I was a crybaby about it, I never lowered myself to acting like a victim, which usually got me pounded more), all blew me off and refused to grant any validity to my experience, and said I couldn’t understand and had nothing to contribute.

And none of them had ever actually truly been struck or physically overpowered or thrown around as I had. I was genuinely kicked, punched, choked, thrown, tripped, restrained, locked up, shoved, dropped, yanked, immersed in trash, immersed in water, hung by my feet, hung by my neck, mocked, teased, belittled, and excluded. I know what it’s like to have to endure things by force that you don’t like. And their opinion was, you’re a man, you don’t know what it’s like to have to deal with men.

I thought their experience might make them more sympathetic and willing to see the commonalities beyond the mere male vs female dynamic, but they had no interest. I ended up getting rejected and belittled and told that what happened to me was insignificant and had no relevance. It wasn’t female suffering or oppression, so it had no relevance and no reality.

And these were good women, close friends, smart and educated and by their own description caring and empathetic. But they couldn’t see beyond their own noses, when the person in question wasn’t part of the group they were in sympathy with, or came from a group they had a grudge against. I don’t think that means they were truly insensitive or corrupt or evil. It’s just that everyone has their sympathies and prejudices, their blind spots and areas of focus. And it’s easy to assume that because someone doesn’t share your preferences, that they don’t share any of your feelings or instincts or concerns or experiences. It’s hard to see beyond context.
And I get why it wasn’t easy to admit my perspective. Everyone is a bit defensive of their area of expertise and investment and a bit wary and skeptical of outsiders. Women and men. It’s a human thing, not a “men are so specially jerks thing.” Men are more competitive, so that can make for a less welcoming and collaborative environment. But women, though more collaborative, can form a tight wall that just shuts you out if they don’t trust you.

I was also the primary caretaker for my two girls for many years. And I was always on the outside of all these groups of moms, who would eye me with suspicion. Not that I didn’t understand. It was perfectly natural, and I didn’t expect them to take me for granted as one of the girls, because I wasn’t. I hadn’t earned that appearance in their eyes.

So I never benefited from the society of moms that forms around young children in those pre-school years. They cluster together during the day and form a little society of support and camraderie. I had one mom that did make an effort to welcome me (a very sporty, boistrous, competitive mom of boys, whatever that signifies), but among most there was just a stand-offish attitude. As if I couldn’t possibly have anything to contribute in their domain. That’s not a male thing. That’s a human thing.

And the truth is that it’s just not that easy for a man to move into a predominantly female space (or the reverse). It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s not exactly a moral failing. It’s just a naturally hard situation. It’s awkward and difficult. There will be skepticism and suspicion. And there are some weird interactions of the sexual dynamic when you try to cross domains. It can be uncomfortable. There’s comfort and a sense of understanding the territory, simplifying it, when you know you’re only dealing with your own sex. And if you’re dealing with something hard and complex like child rearing (or combat, to bring up a typically male-dominated field), it helps to simplify the territory. And you can resent and fear someone who is complexifying it.

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