In defense of safe spaces

What safe spaces do we truly need? I don’t think there is such a thing as an intellectual safe space that insulates you and protects your from words or ideas that might contradict your own or cause you distress. That’s the sort of thing you might expect from your family, maybe your closest friends, but if all your friends and family are so similar to yourself that they can’t possibly rub against you uncomfortably in any way, then you’re in a rare and unusual situation. Most of us find that it’s even within our closest groups that we discover deep differences and conflicts and need to negotiate and be tested. Those places aren’t safe because we won’t encounter anything there that contradicts us and our identity, but because there’s a shared contract of love and respect between us. There’s a bond that unites us and allows those differences to cohabitate in a way that enriches rather than degrades our experience. There’s a commitment to one another that goes beyond mere uniformity or freedom from offense to a kind of active balance and growth. There are rules and conventions of politeness that maintain the good faith space between us.

The idea of an intellectual safe space based on the removal of all that could provoke us is rather like the idea of a gym based on the removal of all equipment that might strain your muscles. You’re certain unlikely to receive any injury, but being trapped in such a safe space won’t make your strong, it will make you weak, frail, easy to injure. To be honest, being trapped in such a room will debilitated you and make you sick as surely as a world of dangers and challenges.

Human systems, for example the immune system, are regulatory systems. They’re meant to have something to work against. If you take away too much of their proper work and stress, they go haywire. You end up with allergies, the system reacting to everything as if it were a hostile invasion, because it was so protected that it never got a good sense of what was an actual threat, what wasn’t, and how to regulate the reaction to the real amounts of present danger.

Similarly, depriving human children of the chance to learn from rough and tumble play how to regulate their own strength, as well as assess the use of strength by others, figuring out how much is ok, how much is fun, how much is helpful, how much is too much, how to respond appropriately, deprives them of the ability to regulate an essential aspect of human capacity and survival (strength and aggression).

Safe space to forgive, to make mistakes, to make difficult hypotheses, to come back

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Politically educational Google searches

I was skeptical after reading in Douglas Murray’s book about the political educational prejudices of Google image search. He claimed that searches for black couple gave you black couples, searches for gay couples gave you gave couples, searches for white couples gave you almost entirely mixed race or non-white couples, and searches for straight couples gave you almost entirely gay couples. I figured maybe that finding was only true in England, or was an exaggeration.

But it wasn’t. Maybe one out of ten results for white couples was actually a white couple. And virtually all of the pictures for straight couples were gay couples, many of which were headlined for stories about how gay couples were happier and better than straight couples. They were very curiously specific results, considering the Google algorhythm is really just supposed to find you what you’re looking for and have no other specific agenda. And there are all kinds of things it’s quite happy to show you every image it can find of that are quite distasteful.

It’s also strange that in a time so focused on representation and erasing identities that Google seems to be so deliberately determined to erase these particular identities. Merely from the standpoint of open access and fairness, it’s concerning. That’s a pretty heavily weighted result. I genuinely didn’t believe I would find it if I looked. I figured it was an exaggeration.

Wolves in the Wastes

Today I was reflecting on the strange cycle of distortion that a polarized populace and media have created, and how much it defines our view of the world around us. Having spent plenty of time living with the distortions and bias of the conservative media, it’s actually made it easier to see the same distortions and bias at work in the liberal media. Once you start to see through one magician’s trick, it becomes easier to recognize it when you see the same trick being played on another.

Perhaps you know what I’m speaking of. All those articles that cleverly sidestep Trump’s role in the various controversies that rage around him. How negative the media was (in reporting on all the times he undermined or contradicted the statements of his own administration). How crazed and irate the Democrats were (about his unprecedented dealings with Russia or Ukraine). How eager people were to trash him (who had left his administration or been fired from their positions within it). How critical people were of everything he said (such as his tendency to demean and belittle and employ name calling and petty insults and invective language against anyone who he felt negatively toward, even his own current and former allies and coworkers). All the attempts to skew the coverage of situations he either caused or worsened in a more positive light that frame him as a confused, innocent victim suffering the unjust slings and arrows of a malevolent campaign of terror. Trump is merely an innocent victim, even a persecuted hero, and in no way are deserving of any suggestion of criticism.

Having said all that and enraged the Trump apologists, but possibly excited the liberals, I have to report that I’ve noticed the same sort of thing happening in the liberal media. To pick a current and specific example that will similarly enrage the liberals but possibly delight the conservatives, I’ve seen it quite transparently in the reporting about the race protests currently going on in numerous cities across the country.

For example, I recently listened to a call for a charitable effort to rebuild the headquarters of a Native American foundation. The appeal mentioned that the facility had been damaged during the violence “that took place around the same time as the George Floyd protests”. A very careful parsing of words. It wasn’t damaged during the violence of the George Floyd protests, but by some other totally unconnected violence that just happened to occur at the same time in the same place. A very strange coincidence. It would, of course, be absolutely immoral and intolerable to suggest that there was any direct or causal connection between the protests and the building’s destruction.

And today in my local news there was an article about how protesters had gathered in such numbers as to block interstate 225 in Aurora, and one driver attempted to drive through the blockade. The jeep in question apparently did not hit anyone, but did manage to drive through the blockade. However, one of the protesters pulled a gun and shot at the jeep, and in the process caused a panic and shot two of the other protestors. A Denver school board member quoted in the article said he didn’t blame the shooter and reflected that it was actually a courageous and praiseworthy act. The important thing, he said, was their message and the justice they were seeking.

Such a monumental effort at political spin actually rendered me dizzy for a moment, it was so effective. So much care in the article was being put into not in any way criticizing the people who were illegally blocking a major public highway, legitimizing their act as a perfectly valid means of expression that any citizen might engage in, and the idea of a car actually attempting to drive down a highway as a shocking, transgressive, and antisocial act. The article also worked very hard to legitimize the catastrophic act of firing a gun in public, at a private vehicle, in the middle of a crowd, as if it were a reasonable or perhaps even praiseworthy act.

I don’t want to be overly critical. The article tried to present the facts, but it was careful to do so in a very diplomatic way which carefully considered the optics, lest the newspaper be accused of racism for criticizing the protest and invalidating their message. The police (who were themselves the object of the protest) were on hand to assist and give aid and seek to prevent further violence, but their role was minimized, except to mention that they had interviewed the driver and were seeking the shooter.

In this telling of events, by a mainstream news outlet attempting, it must be said, to be fair and unbiased, the protestors were definitely the victims (assaulted by a car that attempted to drive down the road they were illegally occupying and blocking), the courageous heroes (bravely resisting the passage of the car by carelessly shooting at in a crowded area), and in no way are deserving of any suggestion of criticism.

I’m both cases, both political parties are quite willing to deemphasize, ignore, or even redefine acts that are clearly antisocial at best and criminal at worst. In fact they’re even willing to cast it as a kind of heroism or victimhood, deserving of sympathy, inviting allowances to be made. And the examples I gave above for both are merely the tip of the iceberg.

Why? Why are such mental and verbal gynmastics acceptable? In fact that’s not even a good enough question. Why are such careful contortions not only acceptable, why are the necessary? Because, to be sure, they seem necessary to the people who make them. Why? Because the cause is righteous, and the important thing is the message, and any distractions or concerns must be ignored to preserve the message and the righteous cause. Our cause is justice, and to be against us is to be against justice. And so, also, to be for them is to be for justice. Thus even definitively illegal acts like blockading public highways and firing weapons at cars in crowded spaces can be considered heroic actions in support of justice.

This, of course, is exactly the sort of reasoning the Trump defenders use to protect their sacred cow, who frequently stumbles into the manure and forces them to bend over backward to shift focus so the cause can be upheld. Trump, of course, doesn’t make it easy. And his frequent bad behavior is enough to convince his critics of the utter corruption of his causes. And since, although his handling of and understanding of many issues is often completely shallow and divisive and sophomoric, not all those causes he supports are themselves without merit, so he completely undermines the legitimate value of those causes in the public discourse. He harms them rather than helping them, by reducing them to a grotesque caricature of themselves that no one who doesn’t already agree with you will consider listening to. And by forcing the supporters of those causes and concerns, many of whom are earnest and intelligent and dutiful, to spend their time supporting and defending and providing cover for his actions for the sake of supporting their cause, they inject it with a real corruption of dishonesty, spin, manipulation, willful ignorance, and combativeness.

In an effort to protect our causes, our sacred cow, from any external criticism, we end up granting it a license that surrenders control over it and abdicates any responsibility for its internal pathology and bad actions. Because we are no longer focused on maintaining balance and care over our actual concerns, but instead must bend all our efforts to protect it from the bad results it’s bringing on itself through its pathological expression, so it may keep advancing, we lose our legitimate perspective and control over it (which is always a bad idea and always harmful to a cause, any cause, as any endeavor can go bad and likely will if we don’t keep a careful eye on it).

As a former conservative and now currently independent voter, I’ve seen exactly this happen to the Republican party. Whatever its ideas were to begin with, it is now very much the party of Trump, and spends most of its time in apologetics on his behalf. Unfortunately, the same thing is clearly happening with the intersectionalists, critical race theorists, and postmodern social justice cancel culture in the Democratic party, as exemplified in the current protests.

In fact it’s so much the same thing that, in a strange way, it actually helps soothe my concerns about our fractured society and reaffirms my belief in our common humanity. People are so concerned for the advancement of the cause that they’re bending over backward to excuse the pathology of its expression, lest it get in the way of advancing the cause, unaware that their constant efforts to provide cover only serve to undermine the legitimate advancement of their cause in the eyes of so many. As with Trump, the corruption that is located in the efforts at cover and spin are seen as corruption of the whole cause.

Everyone is so concerned with proving that their cause is perfect and pure and righteous and their narrative is perfect, and they are the unsullied heroes and the other side are villains through and through. And they are all willing to do anything to protect that narrative, lest it weaken their moral claims. And, frankly, they likely believe it. Maybe some few are keenly aware of their selective compromises, but most probably make them because they truly seem necessary and justified. The ends justifies, or at least excuses and ignores or downplays, the means.

What, then, is the cure for such spin, even spin we use on ourselves? I would argue, simply being courageous enough to be honest with ourselves. So let us be honest. Trump doesn’t just get negative coverage in a vacuum. Even if you only followed what he said and ignored what everyone else says about him, you would have plenty of grounds for concern. He enjoys causing controversy to command attention, he’s a master at keeping the focus on himself, at being disruptive. He loves to fight, he loves to hurl insults, he’s often impulsive and thoughtless and provocative with his speech and actions. He’s been that way his whole life, and he’s often tested the patience of his own closest allies because of it. The revolving door of white house officials, many of whom leave insulting and being insulted by Trump, and his long series of fallouts with his own allies and officials and employees, is not entirely an invention of the liberal media.

And the effort to make it seem so, the willingness to compromise principles for optics and political expediency, is a large part of what completely deligitimizes all the efforts of his party in the eyes of those who do not share their sympathies and positions. Because although it might be hard (if not impossible) to see and understand the legitimate arguments and concerns of someone else’s platform, it is extremely easy to see the corrupt efforts they go to to protect that platform.

And let’s be honest again, the negative aspects of the George Floyd protests are also not entirely the invention of conservative pundits. There has been an immense amount of violence, crime, and property destruction. We’re a long way from a MLK era sit in. The liberal media has spent a huge amount of effort excusing and ignoring the illegal and pathological elements of the protests and tarring anyone who even brings these facts up as a racist. As for people who legitimately disagree with some of the premises, arguments, and solutions proposed, forget those people, they can barely even be granted space as a human worthy of living in polite society.

The unwillingness to accept criticism or adequately police our own side in the interest of tribal solidarity is exactly the behavior that gives the lie to our position in the eyes of the other side. Where a commitment to similar basic principles of behavior on both sides might form a common ground for confronting the excesses and elevating the excellences of both sides, a belief in the a priori and politically necessary perfection of our sides will only provide cover for their abuse and corruption and devalue our contributions in the eyes of those who don’t share our affiliations.

It is a pleasant fiction to imagine that if only we could protect our side from all criticism and resistance and make our point unopposed, if only we could have things our way, all would be well with the world ans our great project would be completed. Unfortunately, there are two great facts that stand as obstacles to the goals of both parties, that will ultimately ruin all the best efforts of both and are a constant frustration to all they do, so long as they ignore them.

First, there is the simple fact that we are all equally human, meaning that we are all equally prone to dishonesty, greed, resentment, anger, vanity, and self-deception, and we are all equally capable of letting our best projects become infected by our endemic human weaknesses. All our best laid plans and ideals are prone to corruption, distortion, subversion, misdirection, deception, and exploitation. There is nothing so good that we can’t ruin it simply by being ourselves. So we must always be on guard, not merely against external opposition, but against the internal forces that are just as likely or more likely to ruin all our best efforts.

Second, the simple fact that we are all finite. None of us can be everything and know everything and see all sides of everything and be prepared for every situation and avoid every mistake. Life, the world, and humanity itself are terribly complex. In fact they’re so complex that almost any question really worth consideration, anything that’s a real problem, does not have a simple solution.

Most real problems are problems because they can’t be reduced to a single factor or value that must be addressed. Addressing this type of problem involves tradeoffs, compromises, finding and negotiating a balace between conflicting values (such as safety and expediency, innovation and consistency). And because the world is constantly changing, the terrain that confronts us is constantly shifting, it requires a constant reevaluation and adjustment to maintain balance.

We need a certain amount of caution to maintain life, and we need a certain amount of courage, and we often need more of one at one time and more of the other at another time, and usually a mix of both. You’re not likely to survive long without either. The moment the landscape of history shifts to the other side, you fall off, if you’re leaning too hard to one side, convinced that a unitary value is all you need to proceed.

There is something terribly archetypal about the way the American electorate constantly and with bizzare consistency, despite the best efforts of everyone concerned, splits itself nearly evenly between the parties in each election. There is an almost perverse schizophrenia to the way we swing from one party control to another in subsequent elections. It’s as if we simply cannot make up our minds, no matter how times and people change. Somehow we never reach that dreamed-of uniformity.

And the best explanation I can think of is that there is something fundamentally psychologically totemic about our current political parties. They represent some fundamental, instinctive division within the human race, some fundamental distribution of the psychological burden of living between us.

If this is indeed the case, then there can be no victory of uniformity, only of unity. There can be no final resolution of resistance or tension, only balance. In fact, if I am correct about my two fundamental traits of the human race, that we are all equally flawed and all equally limited, even if a final victory of one side over another was possible through some endless campaign of extermination, it would only hasten our own inevitable fall.

The actions of our current political environment are a bit like a pair of tethered bike riders. They are both leaning as hard as they can away from one another, convinced that the pull to their side is the only thing keeping the pair moving forward. The rope between them is stretched taught, straining to hold them together; its cords are fraying from the strain. So much of their effort is directed laterally that they can hardly make any headway across a rocky and dusty path. They have leaned so far over that their faces are pressed near to the ground, and passing rocks scrape and tear at their skin. Their faces and limbs are bruised and scratched, there is dust on their bodies. And all the while they are shouting at one another, loudly declaring how only they are steering the path forward, how the efforts of their partner are dragging them into the dust, and how clean and straight and unsullied their own path is.

Both riders can clearly see the dust and blood upon the bodies of the other. But both are so determined not to let the other rider pull them down that they utterly refuse to acknowledge their own position, lest admitting their excess and attempting to rise from them should finally let the other rider pull the whole thing over.

The cord, meanwhile, between them, represents the institutions designed to harness them together for their common good. The unifying restraints crafted carefully to set the strengths and weaknesses of one against the strengths and weaknesses of the other, allowing the excesses of one to be restrained by the balance of the other, hopefully drawing them closer together, but at least by acknowledging the inevitable lacks and excesses of all human effort and the variability of the road that lies ahead, harnessing their mutual leanings to keep the whole on a relatively straight path.

The question we have to face today is, can we lean back? Will we pull so hard on the cords that bind us that they finally snap? The system is working as hard as it can to keep us together. The problem is that both sides are so convinced of the catastrophic lean of the other side toward disaster (and both sides are quite justified in their concerns, frankly) and the necessity of their own lean that neither has any time or energy left to correct their own dysfunction.

Seeing the terrible pull into the dirt and blood of their partner, it takes an act of immense courage to stop and correct our own pull on our vehicle. If we stopped for just a moment, would not both of us be pulled over? What room is there to say, “Stop, I see where they’re pulling us, but I won’t let us drag ourselves down into the dust to resist them, I won’t lower myself to the same tactics, I won’t let us make that move! I must remove the plank from my own eye before I can remove the speck from yours.” We’re all so willing to say “The important thing is the cause, the message; don’t let us be distracted by criticisms, we are in a war, we are fighting to save us all. There will be time when the enemy is defeated to police our own methods and actions and count our compromises and split the hairs.”

Unfortunately, it’s own own willingness to throw ourselves down into the dirt that convinces the other side of the foolishness of our vehicle and causes them to oppose us so strenuously. Were we to present a more reasoned and balanced and internally policed version of our platform, they might find less to object to and more to understand. I believe that was the whole idea of Martin Luther King’s approach. But the idea of coming upright when the opposing side leans in so hard, denies it and covers it up so strenuously, declaring themselves to be perfectly centered and clean, in no danger of the dust, able to take on every challenge in the road, and in no need of their partner’s efforts or insights, is hardly a recipe for integrating the two halves of America (and perhaps humanity). With such a powerful external enemy, internal criticism and challenge is a betrayal in time of war. And traitors are even worse than the enemy, because they seek to weaken our position from within, when all our effort is directed at keeping the other side from pulling us over.

It truly is a terrible situation we have found ourselves in. And who will rescue us from it, and how? It’s not in the political interest of our leaders. Tribalism is too valuable a method for gaining support to cast it aside. The motivation to play the game to gain and hold your platform is almost too tempting to be resisted. And treachery on either side is likely to find you swiftly exiled to the outer wastes.

Trump, for his part, finds anything less than absolute personal loyalty (personal loyalty, mind you, not ideological loyalty) intolerable in his government (and we should be very clear that that is actly how someone who likes to put his name in gold on everything he touches views it, as his government). Similarly, the cancel culture of the social justice crowd has no room for anyone or anything less than perfect loyalty and adherence to every aspect of their code. And they’re quite happy to divest you of your liberal identity if you fail in some other area of ideological purity. In fact they’re quite happy to even declare you to be “no longer black” or “no longer gay” in your personal identity if you fail an important ideological test. All those aspects of you are merely subordinate elements to the political cause. And if you fail to submit them to the political action, if you fail to advance the whole cause, you lose them as well as your place in the movement. You become part of the problem.

And so many of the best minds, those most willing to stand up to their own side and push for the best in it resist the worst in it, in both the conservative and liberal spheres, have been cast out as traitors. Their voices go on crying in the wilderness, but it is only the howling of the wolves in the wastes.

Who, then, will have the courage, not only to stand against their enemies, but to stand up for what is true and right, even if it sets them against their friends? Even if it places them in common ground, if but for a moment, with their enemies? Such meetings would at one time have been seen as the coming together upon common ground, an arrival at a larger moral or intellectual truth that transcends party and agenda. But today such meetings are more likely to be seen as betrayals of the party narrative, the limit of all truth, and a clear sign you’ve slipped out of the promised land into perdition. I’m in great doubt that hardly any of our current leaders have such courage. The punishments of the inquisitorial element within both parties are so frightful that its hard to imagine standing up to them and surviving. But maybe there is still cause for hope.

In my opinion, it is only within the power of the ordinary citizen to overcome and right this wrong. We often underestimate the power of human choice, human determination, the ability to choose who we will be when a moment comes. We put all our hope in political power and representation, and we forget that we have a deeper, more fundamental power that all humans have always had, whatever terrible forces they faced. A power that has given them the ability to resist and change the course of history, to survive the worst opressions and injustices unbowed. The simple ability to choose to be the better person, not between us and the next man or woman (though that is admirable) but between ourselves and who we could be.

Socrates, contemplating his coming execution, reflected that there was no true harm the state could do to a good man, because they could not compel him to be unvirtuous himself, if he was determined not to do so. As much as others might violate the truth, they cannot force us to become liars. Only we can make that choice. Others may choose to be careless, or self-righteous, or vindictive, or greedy, or haughty, or selfish, but it is within our own power to choose whether we will be those things ourselves.

And so it is within the power of ordinary men and women, I say, to resist the foolishness of our time. Because it is our choice whether or not we will participate in it. We can choose to look ourselves in the face and refuse to take up the weapons that others choose to wield. We can choose not to join the mob, not to betray our principles, not to let ourselves give in to our worse instincts. We can choose not to use the tools of violence ot threats. We can choose to submit ourselves to a higher law of order, politeness, patience, respect, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. We can choose to respect our processes and institutions and the role they play in restraining us and arbitration between us. We can seek reasoned discussion and understanding. We can be willing to admit when we have crossed a line, and build credibility with the other side so they will have space to resist it within their own ranks when they have crossed a line. We can be forgiving of the mistakes of others and seek reconciliation between us.

The essential mistake of our time is thinking that the primary moral struggle for humanity is external rather than internal. Both sides, the religious right and irreligious left, the racists and anti-racists, whites and blacks, conservative and liberal have made an idol of political power and the idea of representation and hegemony. In doing so, both have often mistaken the true battlefield where the war for the human heart and the war for the future takes place, the foundation of all our peace and prosperity and the fountain of all our ruin and disgrace. The primary moral struggle, and the great power of all humanity, is within each of our own hearts, over who we are going to be in the next moment after this.

It doesn’t have to be a huge choice to add up to a big difference. Make a tiny effort. Decide not to make that particular excuse. Decide to give that person the benefit of the doubt. Decide to hold back your words just a little, in case they go too far. Remind yourself to apologize when needed, and forgive whenever you can. Show just a tiny bit of mercy and understanding. Spend just a few moments searching your own heart before you judge the hearts of others. Decide not to read that article that will only feed your anger. Spend time resolving the errors of your own heart before you think you can search out the errors in everyone else’s. Consider what someone else might see amiss in your own positions, and what you might discover to love in theirs. Seek out the common ground of decency. Never let yourself find a harder, more honest critic of your own ideas than yourself.

The burden of such an effort can’t be any greater than the burden we already place on ourselves through our merciless ideological inquisitions, with all their pagentry to prove our alliegance and our rituals of moral reassurance and absolution that secure us our status within the movement. The harsh judgment of the virtues of civility and nobility cannot be any worse than the judgment we already face from one another in our endless crusades and and grand revolutions. The pain of our personal transformation cannot be worse than the terrific pain we will cause by tearing down the whole world and trying to rebuild it in heavenly perfection from such fallible, limited materials.

Worst of all to my mind is the nagging worry that most people, on hearing such a call, will simply shrug and reply “Yes, well, I was already doing all that. I was already in the right and nobly resisting chaos and evil in the world. I already found it. I’ve already got security where I stand. And I can see where the ground is really crumbling.” It is, perhaps, impossible to hope that everyone should be able to see their own perspective from the outside, as it were. But maybe there will be enough good faith iin us (and concern for the truths of human finitude and fallibility) to agree that limits must be set, that there is a need for caution, for care, for respect for our processes and institutions and rules and the role they play in forcing us to negotiate and cooperate.

We need to ask ourselves what we truly believe. Whether we believe life really is some zero sum game, a struggle for power in which one must prevail and the other must fall. Or is there some common ground of cooperation, some place that unites us both in common purpose and benefit? Both of the prevailing political powers of our day are telling us in no uncertain terms that the game is what life is (and if you’re not fully aware of that yet, you need to wise up). But ask yourself, reflect on your life, your family, your friends, your work, your community, and your own dearest hopes and wishes. Is that truly what you want? Is that truly what you believe? If it is, then God help you. God help us all.

But as long as some of us still have some hope that there is a reason why our constitution is framed the way it is, that there is some genuine common good that unites and even requires our different approaches, that judges us and judges them and rids both of our weaknesses and refines both our strengths, then we must continue. We must make some effort. Even if that effort is simply a small movement here or there. A little politeness. A little decency. A little hesitancy to cast stones. A small apology. A little patience. A little forgiveness. A little hope. A little voice in the wilderness.

Leaving space for others to stand and oppose us

If you make white supremacy the only place white people (or cops) feelsl safe and understood, the only beneficiary will be white supremacists. Forcing people into ideological extremes with our rhetoric only erodes the great bulk of ordinary people caught in the middle and feeds the fires of the extremists at both ends. When enough people have been sufficiently forced into the bubble at either end, the prophecy will have fulfilled itself, and we’ll have our race war for real.

We have to leave enough space for one another to stand. We can’t condemn whole races, whole histories, so glibly cast aside the essential value and sovereignty of the individual. If we leave no room for one another to stand, flawed individuals as we all are, if we leave no road back for those who stray too far into the fringes of fear and anger and pride, then we are only creating safe spaces for our enemies to multiply. We are only fashioning the weapons whose eventual clash will harm us all. Are we willing to take the chance that, if it comes to a fight, that our side might not prevail, and what kind of regime would take its place, and what we might lose forever in the conflict?

Let us then set asise our daggers and our universal condemnations. Let us focus on one another as individuals, not merely members of some class that could be opposed. Come now and let us reason together. Let us tell the stories that reaffirm our common humanity. Let us inspire and aspire.

You can only push people so far. If you leave no room for their value, for their story, if you force them to fight for their path and their place to stand, they will. The politics of opposition will only lead all of us to cut one another’s throats. It is only someone who is entirely deceived who thinks that they and their own history are beyond reproach. If all nations had their just dessert, not one would escape the noose. As was written about the French revolution, which proceeded from the best ideals, the great moral learning of the academics directing the passions of the oppressed: All perished, all– / Friends, enemies, of all parties, ages, ranks, / Head after head, and never enough / For those that bade them fall. If Justice is given every pound of flesh it is owed, not one will be spared, not one will stand.

What then, of injustice? Must we allow it free rein? Surely not. We give it least free rein who see it most clearly within all of us. Punishment must be given. But not in the way of the mob, not as a class guilt, not as an inheritance from race or religion or class or creed or parentage, not any more than righteousness can be so inherited by birth. All righteousness must be proven with lives of virtue, and all guilt by clear deeds. Punishment must have its limits and a goal beyond revenge. Forgiveness sought must be treasured, and forgiveness given like water in the desert. We must see one another as individuals, and judge each by their character, how they used their moment in time, whatever came before or after, whatever each inherited unquestioned or left behind for us to consider.

The importance of resisting all political extremes

I feel the same obligation to fight extreme leftist woke culture as I do to fight extreme right Trumpist culture. They’re similar extremes of differing strategies. I see value in both conservative and liberal approaches, and I think what they really are is approaches or attitudes or instinctive value structures more than they are a specific set of beliefs or ideas (though they may coalesce around them). And they’re both tuned to balance one another. Both have a similar potential for going catastrophically wrong, though they may take different routes to that result.

Which side of the spectrum people belong to is, to a large degree, shaped by their innate personality, and then secondarily by the environment they find themselves surrounded by. So you might have someone born into a fairly conservative environment but who has a more liberal bent to their personality. I don’t think that means they have to belong to one party or the other by necessity, and there used to be more room within the parties. You could be part of the more liberal wing of the conservative party that pulled it back from some of its excesses. You could be part of the more conservative wing of the liberal party, that spoke and pulled from within to curb some of its excesses. And we needed those people.

But at some point people started sorting themselves way harder and way more effectively, possibly because of changes in technology. In fact I would guess in large part because of technology and its ability to accumulate and aggregate across a wide spectrum. It also allowed the most extreme elements within parties to gain greater traction and exposure than might have been possible in a more usual and mixed community such as occurs more naturally in society (and one where your ability to work with others and be reasonable was more necessary for success). It’s easier to make people into a mob, thanks to technology.

So that’s led to a period of gradual purification. Both through conversion, convincing people that they really should align themselves more closely with the ideological ideal of purity, and forcibly, by shaming and casting out anyone who resists. And as the extremity of both sides rises, both sides become more and more justified in their arguments that there’s a clear extreme threat from the other side that requires a deliberate response, a wartime attitude. They become more and more right that we need to draw the ranks together and man the barricades, expunge the traitors, resist the enemy.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Whether the enemy was really there or not in the way we imagined in the beginning, they ertainly will be now. If you keep saying that the other side is the enemy and needs to be defeated and there’s no room in society for them, and the reasons that compel people to be part of that group are at least in some degree fundamental to who they are, then you’re declaring war on them personally, not merely their ideas. And they won’t give in without a fight. If you don’t leave any room for people to legitimately stand, you compel them to fight for their territory. There has to be room for a legitimate conservative perspective. And there has to be room for a legitimate liberal perspective. There has to be room within those parties for a legitimate mixed perspective.

Not everyone can be some perfectly balanced, idealized moderate. Most people are going to be who they are. Biology itself seems to divide up the burden of keeping society balanced by spreading different qualities among different people. A more guarded person here to fill that niche, a more open handed person here to fill that niche. It’s time for us to learn to appreciate one another and realize that we actually have a need for both those roles, because the world is complex and changeable and dangerous and wonderful, and so are people. We need soldiers and we need teachers. We need artists and we need engineers. We need judges and we need advocates. And a society that embraces one and expunges the other isn’t being fair or honest about humanity or about the nature of the world, and eventually it will come back and bite them when the right (or wrong) circumstances roll along. You’ll be wishing you had kept those people and valued their work.

And I believe this human diversity transcends specific political structures or ideologies. You can find these influences, these attitudes and values, in every society, large or small, in every different country in every different time period. They take different forms, have different flavors and manifestations depending on the culture and environment and history. Sometimes things are working well. Sometimes everyone is racing to make their contribution, and there’s enough space provided that everyone is able to make it.

The way you ride a bicycle is to wobble effectively. There’s no such thing as riding in a single, perfectly uniform line, one perfect angle. The way you learn to ride a bike, and the reason strider bikes tend to tech you better than training wheels (which create artificial stability through limiting movement), is by learning to love with and control the wobble. You learn the balance the swing between opposing forces and sides, you learn to balance them against each other to make forward momentum possible. If you give too much to either side, your movement will be lateral, instead of forward, and a crash to either side will end up looking much the same, whichever way you take it.

The best riders have learned how to use counterbalance to keep those opposing forces in their proper tension. As the road comes to meet you, as it changes, as the curves and bumps come to meet you, sometimes you need to lean harder on one side to get through it and then return to equilibrium. But imagine the impossible task of a rider who has decided, ahead of time, that there will never be a legitimate need to lean to the right, or to the left.

The brilliance of the American system of government is that it pays respect to the potential for benefit and for disaster in differing approaches. It hamstrings the effectiveness of both sides, puts obstacles in both their paths, that limit the possibilities for either side to achieve complete dominance and so pull the whole structure over. It provides opportunities for both sides to (in a safe, limited, defined way) antagonize each other. Checks and balances. No one gets quite what they wanted, because the founding fathers were very skeptical of such a system. It didn’t seem to fit the structure of reality and of humanity.

So they tried to create a system that reflected the actual challenges and complexities of life and society, the struggle, the pull back and forth, the need for adaptation and cooperation. In some ways their system was less idealistic than that of other revolutions, since it didn’t really come down on a single formula for one way of arranging things, some magic bullet that would usher in utopia. America is founded at least partly on the idea that it’s not always safe to actually give people what they want. If everyone of one sort got exactly what they wanted, it would actually hurt everybody, them included. It was in everybody’s interest to get a little less than what what we instinctively want.

There’s also an optimism to this approach, an optimism that by everybody getting a little less than what any of us want, we might all as a whole get a lot more of what we all want. That maybe, just maybe, there’s some value in our acts of balance and cooperation and compromise that will make us all stronger. That in being restrained we will actually be come better, stronger, more fulfilled versions of who we want to be than if we were allowed to have our own way. There’s an implicit optimism that, with the right institutions that force us all to live with such compromises, we won’t all just get frustrated and try to kill each other or go our separate ways.

That’s a real possibility, after all. If we’re too divided, too different, leaning too hard either way, the mechanisms we’re trying to ride forward might not be able to handle the strain. We might tear them apart in our struggle for control. And that might be where we’re headed today. If we’ve truly lost confidence in the idea of forward momentum on this mechanism that forces us to balance, if we’re convinced the only real solution is to pull the whole thing to our side, then the ride is over. Instead we’re in the position of two toddlers playing tug of war over a tricycle, trying to see who can sieze it for themselves. And the most likely result is two crying toddlers, one of whom is holding a broken tricycle.

Breaking a mechanism of transportation like a fine bicycle is the work of a moment, and anyone can do it. Building one, putting one together, is much harder, and not everyone can do it. That’s why, whatever your persuasion as a rider is, it’s worth conserving the value of the thing that has brought you as far as you’ve come. That doesn’t mean you might not have ideas about how to improve or steer it, and have good arguments for those adjustments that will help it navigate the road ahead successfully. But the mistake is in thinking that you’ve got all the ideas, all the insights, all the vision, the one true path to forward progress, and you don’t have to share the vehicle with anyone else whose steering and ideas are in conflict with your own.

That’s where the American system pushes back. It’s more optimistic about others than we are, and it’s more pessimistic about ourselves. That makes it slow, awkward, and cautious when it comes to seizing control of the mechanisms. It makes the process schizophrenic, as control vascillates between one side and then the other, each trying to pull down the other’s achievements and drag things back to their control before being flipped the other way in a few years. And, frankly, that’s the price our faith in the mechanism demands from us. That’s the beauty and power of it. In its bloody, blinkered frustration and hassle and restraint and inconsistency and beauracracy. That probably sounds like a kind of madness, and maybe it is. But it reflects the madness that is what humanity and life are actually like. It’s a system as crazy as we are.

The solution to the problems that life presents us with, if you’re working inside the American system, then, isn’t political control. Increased power would only lead to increased potential for dysfunction. Instead, success is dependent on each of us being the best version, the best representative, the most productive and balanced and able to communicate and reason and work effectively with others, version of who we are.

We don’t have to be everybody and everything. And we aren’t. Thinking we are is one of the worst mistakes we can make. And what a relief it is to discover that we don’t have the carry the whole burden of totality in ourselves. We just need to be the best version of ourselves. The most educated, cautious, controlled, well-meaning, dedicated, humble, invested, understanding, courageous, generally virtuous version of what we are. Whatever our personal bent is, we need to be the most adult version of that thing.

And we need to recognize that there’s a version of that that we need from the people who are different from us. We need the best version of them. And each of us don’t have a monopoly on being virtuous, only a specialty in being the best version of us.

This, then, is the beginning, the foundation, for a theory of how government and society could work. It’s the idea behind the American constitution. And it’s the reason I feel obligated to oppose the extreme, the unbalanced, the childish, the unvirtuous, wherever it rears its head, whether on the right or the left. I’m a slightly more middle of the road person than average, myself, with a personality split down the middle of the Enneagram personality abyss. And I grew up as a disruptive and liberal influence in a conservative environment that I nevertheless deeply appreciated and was invested in. As such, I’m doubly vulnerable, because I have a propensity for the mistakes and errors of both sides, and I can double reinforce my own failings on top of themselves and tip myself into pathology from both angles.

The one great advantage of being a person who shares both the weaknesses of liberals and of conservatives is that it’s easier see when both sides are making the same or complimentary mistakes because I can find both errors so easily within my own heart. I can see the reflection of my own worst self in their arguments. I am constantly and forever falling off one side or the other, making one set of mistakes, then the other, failing to listen to one side, then failing to listen to the other, going stupidly too far with one criticism, then going stupidly too far with the other. I have thoroughly proved my failure and deligitimized myself and committed grave errors from both angles. I have called both sides idiots and the enemy that needs to be defeated. I have taken too much for granted that the side I was defending had all the right angles. And, like America itself, I’ve become afraid and untrusting of myself, lost faith because of my mistakes, feared my own excesses, lost faith in the mechanism, been afraid to go forward, and been afraid to value or give voice to the different sides of me because of where that’s gone in the past.

In a way, it’s the battles we fight with ourselves that are the most important, not the battles we fight with others. The battles we fight with what we love matter most because that’s where the greatest difference really lies. Between the great and terrible versions of who we could be. Maybe I’m wrong, but I often feel that the greatest differences between us aren’t the differences that lie on the surface between groups or classes like race or nationality, but are instead those that lie within them, in the differences between individual people. The differences of personality and temperament that emerge across all groups of any significant size, whether a family or a nation. And I wonder if there is a deeper place where the true differences are even greater than these differences of individuals within groups. The difference within a single individual, between who they could be and who they choose to be. That, I think, is where the greatest gulf of all lies, in the ability of a single human heart and mind to turn this way or that way, to give in to its easiest impulses or give rise to its greatest aspirations.

Is it perhaps, as MLK speculated, in our character that we differ most? And if that is the case, is it not also the case that it is within ourselves that we share the most? Is it not in our common struggle with our own natures, our desire to be the better version of who we could be, that we are most united, as well as divided? And is it not in our individual differences as people within a group that we are more united than we are by our belonging to a surface class?

Difference and similarity, I believe, exist at all these levels. And all are significant. All matter. All contribute to sympathy and to antipathy between us. The widest, most obvious differences and similarities exist at the shallowest level, but seem large because of the ease with which they can be identified and collected in our minds. It takes a much deeper knowledge of a person to even begin to discover the second layer. And it requires true intimacy to discover the third. Where we often go wrong with people is in trying too hastily to assign understanding we have not truly earned on one level based on understanding on another. Just because you know I part of this broad group doesn’t mean you know me as a person. And just because you know what sort of person I am doesn’t mean you know what I’ve done and what I could do and could be.

I wouldn’t say that such leaps aren’t all unreasonable, and they’re often very necessary, since there are limits to how much we can know and how many people we can know it about. I only think that we can benefit from remembering that these different levels exist and that it’s worth being humble and cautious about how easily we feel confidence in assigning one judgment at one level based on work done at another.

What we really need is wisdom. And wisdom isn’t a function of which group you’re part of, who you are, or even how smart you are. There is small wisdom and great wisdom, there is wisdom that was arrived at slowly and bought with great personal pain, as well as innate and inherited wisdom. I believe wisdom is a matter of finding some echo of the balance within that we seek together without. It’s those small ways in which your own wobble comes close to the center of tension, where the harmony of interlocking and balanced complexity finds fulfillment in our own divided hearts and minds. I believe the process we seek to enforce to produce wisdom without must be the same as the process by which we find it within.

As for myself, I’m not exceptionally clever or exceptionally virtuous. As I said, I have a proclivity for being wrong in enough different ways that it’s just a tiny bit easier for me to see it going wrong in both because I see both going wrong in myself. And so I find it in me to both love and struggle with both liberal and conservative viewpoints.

The fights we make with (not for) what we love and identify with are the dearest to us, because they’re a fight for who we want to be, a fight for being the better or worse version of us. I have a terribly hard time not hating Trumpist conservatism, because it takes something I love and makes it into the worst, least defensible, least understandable and loveable, least helpful version of itself. I have a hard time not hating woke, postmodernist, politically-correct cancel culture because it squanders and subverts the value of liberalism. I want to inhabit a better version of conservatism. I want to inhabit a better version of liberalism. I want them to be the versions of themselves that help and complement and balance one another. I want to be able to step safely into and out of one or the other without getting trapped or thrown out or entangled in solisistic extremity. I want a common virtue of humanity that stands across both.

And I have to believe that it still exists. Its time may be running short, the window may be closing. The movement of humanity may be away from it. But it’s still possible. What we might need to suffer to learn the lesson of its value, if we can’t remind ourselves soon, I don’t know. Unfortunately, I’m not a very courageous person. I’m afraid of both sides. I’m cynical. I’m lazy. I’m not really doing my part to ensure a better tomorrow. But there are better people than me, on both sides and in the middle. Seeing the worst extremes of both sides in myself can make me feel more cynical that I really should.

There’s still hope. Plenty of people are abandoning the extremes for a more moderate, if still divided, middle. And it should be divided. I’m not saying there aren’t things that should be opposed in any political vision. Sometimes you need to fight the other side like hell. And sometimes you need to be willing fight your own side too for its soul, so it becomes the best version of what it could be. What we need to rediscover is the best way to oppose one another in a way that keeps us moving forward and not falling over.

Why words like “mansplaining” only make things worse

I have to question the value and effects of terms such as “mansplaining”, that reduce the moral and cognitive value of someone’s words, actions, and motivations to merely a function of their class belonging.

Such terms were developed as a type of intellectual weapon, in principle to address a perceived power imbalance. Unfortunately, they do so by committing the same sin they claim to be addressing, which argues a zero sum game approach to personal discourse. There is no fair ground on which to arbitrate or resolve any specific personal claims we have against one another. We can only even the scales by deligitimizing you in turn. Which is also a very cynical way to approach someone else’s arguments. Perhaps they are “mansplaining”, perhaps they aren’t. There’s at least some chance that that’s not how they concieve of their own words and motivations. And if it isn’t, then they might be open to discussion and testing, to see if their statements and attitudes live up to their own claims of legitimacy.

Because they at least claim not to be making mere statements of prejudice and power manipulation, that means the door is open for testing. It leaves open the possibility of one or the other person needing to and being able to surrender their point. But if you slap a designation on someone’s statements that answers the question of the moral and cognitive value of what they have to say right up front, then there’s nowhere to go.

They can either admit their own guilt and the illigitimacy of what they have to say and surrender, not only their point but their identity, or they can fight you to force their personal claims over yours. That’s a not a great range of choices. It might be an acceptable way to win for some, although for many it might not be what they actually wanted (they might have actually thought they had a thought that could be seen and understood and recognized independently, not merely an action point of personal power and propaganda). It definitely isn’t what most people would consider an acceptable path to losing an argument.

But what other options are there? The moral and cognitive content of their point was reduced to a question of identity. That means that either victory or loss can only be understood as a function of or action upon that identity. You’re consenting to either oppression or being oppressed. And depending on what the prevailing moral attitude is of your society (winners take all, or blessed are the oppressed for theirs is the moral high ground), the moral and cognitive value of you and your thoughts and actions will be predetermined by your classifications (many of which you will not have been in charge of determining, and few of which will enable and actualize you as an individual, whether you fight them or embrace them). People will essentially be morally obligated to figurative or literal genocide, either against others or against themselves, whoever is on the losing end of the current cultural value rubric.

It is such a small thing to use such terms. It’s such a small turn. A turn from welcoming the words and actions of others and meeting them where they claim to stand, to condemning both sides to an inherent oppositional relationship where one only prevails at the expense of the other, and the only real question is who we judge as a class deserves to prevail. This sort of approach is a problem no matter who does it.

Not that everyone is completely right that they’re not simply pushing their own prejudices; in fact we all are out there with our own biases, tastes, preferences, our own ideas of what really is important or what matters most or what’s really at stake. But if we decide ahead of time not to take people at their word, if we don’t have at least a hopeful, optimistic epistemology, then there’s really very little hope for understanding in our discussions. In this case, it’s the cynicism that is the real risk. Discussion, understanding, negotiation, compromise, these are functions of relationship. And relationships cannot survive cynicism.

On one of my life’s great disappointments

If I had to pick one of my absolute greatest disappointments in life, it was realizing that I would never be a great musician. I wanted so much to be a great singer. But by middle school my total loss of my voice and my vocal nodes ended that dream. I felt the music so deeply in my bones, but my body couldn’t express it. Even in band, I made my name by knocking myself off the risers with my own horn in a bit of passionate playing. I was never that good at the sax, but I sure loved playing it. First my size and inability to Reach the keys held me back, then my many tears and injuries in my fingers, my tendons that would sometimes stick in one position. The scar tissue that made my fingers move slowly and clumsily.

I wanted so, so badly to give the wildest, most passionate performances. But if I did my voice would be gone, my fingers would lock up. It broke my heart. I blew out my voice again and again for years, struggling against that wall of my own physical weakness. And eventually even just mild casual singing began to take a toll on me and I had to do it less and less. And one of my greatest, purest joys and dreams slowly sank into painful forgetfulness.

I wasn’t born to have a beautiful voice. Even I can tell that by listening to myself. I’m a competent singer, I can make myself approximate things that are really a long ways from what I should be able to do or sound like. But that quality of power and beauty is something you have to have the raw materials for. And my materials collapsed. And it still pains me. I still have that fire in my heart that yearns to be united with a song to find its ultimate expression. I wish so so so much I could have a voice like Josh Groban. I would give almost anything for it. But I don’t. I can just barely conserve what I have. I can only let it out occasionally or briefly, restrained. I can’t give voice to my passion. My heart would just ache along with the music when I would listen to my mother’s cds. Richard Clayderman especially. I could tell they were songs of great feeling.

I feel like somewhere on the other side of reality there’s still that dream, that different world where I was as I dreamed I was meant to be. Tall, unbroken by asthma, allergies, joint problems, a strong and pure voice without pain. Confident. Without all the memories of struggles. Able to lay the world before him. Ha. Probably a total jerk who’s absolutely full of himself. Me as I wish I had been. Me as I wished I would grow up to be. I never imagined that I was at my strongest and most unbreakable then. I was glorious in my own way. I’m not sure what happened to me. Sometimes when I listen to the music I can still remember what it was to be that way. I remember a heart on fire, unbroken. A passion nothing could dampen, no matter how much it was stamped upon. But somehow my fires died down. All our fires die down, in time. Mine were just ahead of the curve.

My girls

For me, the idea that there will come a day when I can’t hug and snuggle and love my girls is almost unbearable to contemplate. I love them more than the whole world. They’re the sun that rises and lifts me each day. They’re the life I live and struggle through and endure. They’re my challenge and my treasure and my legacy. Every time I look at them my face stays calm but my heart is leaping through my ribs in sheer passion.

Reflections on parenting

I can remember a couple of the key discussions I had with Alex. I often felt like I fought the same battles with her every day for months and months without any progress (which I did). I got sad, I got angry, I got frustrated, I got cynical. I remember Alex would never hold my hand in the parking lot. She also had a bad habit that whenever we were getting close to the end of any journey, she would always burst into a wild, uncontrolled run right as she neared the finish, and almost always, in her unconscious and thoughtless rush, would crash and burn hard. In fact she once ran right into a big storm drain right as we were walking back to the car from the last house, trick of treating.

Alex and I were at the mall, we were walking back to the car, she wouldn’t walk with me or hold my hand in the parking lot, she burst into her usual run, tripped on the uneven asphalt, and took a huge, painful fall that scraped her up pretty good. I picked her up and put her back in the car. I was nice to her, but I wanted her to remember this illustration. I asked her, if she had been walking with me and holding my hand, would she have fallen or would I have saved her? And she knew that I would have. I told her that I would have stopped her from having this pain and injury if she had listened, that there was a clear benefit she had been avoiding and a clear danger she had been embracing. And this time, she got it. And after that she always stayed with me in parking lots. Luckily it was something small like a bad fall and not running out in front of a car in a parking lot, which was entirely within possibility, the way she would suddenly lose all control and bolt.

I also remember one of many many long talks in her room, maybe around kindergarten age. This one got pretty theoretical. I explained to her what parenting was. That part of it meant deciding that I had something to offer her, that there was a reason to want my trust and to want to listen to me. But it was her choice to make whether to be my child. That I couldn’t make myself her parent if she didn’t want to let me. And we talked about what that would cost her if she decided we weren’t going to have that kind of relationship, one where I could trust her and she would try to listen to me. And we talked about what it would cost her to have that kind of relationship, that it meant showing respect, listening, and maintaining my trust. (She is a really effective and purposeful liar, which I can only assume she gets from me.) I just put it to her as two alternatives, and the price that would be paid by taking one approach or the other. We could have a relationship that wasn’t founded on trust, respect, or willingness to listen, but it would never be able to be what a parenting relationship is supposed to be. We could have that sort of relationship, but not if she wasn’t willing to invest in it and give up some things, such as her right to ignore me and lie to me and. Care is reciprocal, it’s a giving back and forth. And lack of care is reciprocal too; what you hold back the other cannot give.

I explained all that and gave her some time to think it over. And on that occasion, too, she finally backed down. I remember dealing with her when she was young and thinking “Oh my gosh, this is someone I can’t overcome. This is someone who is my equal in will and stubbornness. And she has the strength and vigor and irrational madness of youth.” That was terrifying to realize, that I had met my match. She would scream herself wild for hours for things she had forgotten about in the first five minutes, till she wracked her whole body so much she vomited. And I had always thought I could outlast anyone. But Alex truly intimidated me. And so we fought many battles round and round, me standing up to her and drawing a line, taking time to explain it and why the line existed. And the next day she would cross it again, and again, and again. And I just hoped that someday some of it would sink it and I wouldn’t be fighting the same endless fights.

These are two occasions I rmemebr so clearly because Alex actually gave in. They were cracks in her armor. She became convinced. I was never able to overcome her. She had to choose to overcome herself. I gave her the tools, as well as the choice. And she eventually made the choice and used the tools. It was never something I could make her do. It was her choice. Only Alex was strong enough to tame Alex.

Avalon is a whole different story. I’ve always had a much harder time with her. The approschs she takes is not, in my opinion, really different. Alex used anger and pushing back. Avalon uses a kind of sad anger and collapsing inward. Both a defensive strategies. One is maybe more obvious. Both invite the same response: appeasement. One by leveraging your desperation, the other by leveraging your guilt. But the temptation in both cases is to appease them and give them what they want, to withdraw your demands, to make them queen over the world. Unfortunately, as a parent it’s often your job to stand in for the world (in a kinder way than the world would) and say, no, there are other people here you’re running up against, you aren’t the only person in the world that matters, and you need to learn where the lines are so you can live with the rest of us. And the only things that make such a terrible and punishing task approachable is first, the knowledge that we have to live with that monster and take the main force of its demands if we let it come into being, and second, the knowledge of how much it will hurt your child and hold them back and drive them away from happiness and relationships and success if they become that person.

Both of these concerns matter because we love our children, and we don’t want to hate them or resent them or be hurt or grieved or shamed by them, and we don’t want that to happen with them and the rest of the world either. We love them enough to wish them to be loveable. And we know them and respect them and the power of their agency too much not to recognize that they have a real potential to become, by their own actions, very hard to love. It’s hard to love someone who screams at you when you displease them. It’s hard to love someone who betrays your trust. It’s hard to love someone who will hit you and abuse you if they don’t get what they want. It’s hard to love someone who just takes whatever they think they should have and has no concern for what it cost you. Children will do all these things and more. I never even imagined how easy and instinctive it could be for someone to treat people so badly. But it just come naturally to many children. And in fact they come naturally to adults too. And every day we face in our own lives the pain and failure that we cause ourselves because we haven’t learned these lesson, and we feel the pain and resentment against others we encounter who haven’t learned them either. And we want our children to be the better versions of themselves just as we want ourselves to be that version of ourselves. And we can see ourselves and our own strengths and faults in them.

Alex was an easier nut for me to crack, I think, even though the actual amount of fighting and suffering and struggle was far greater, than Avalon. I understood Alex. She was fighting on my terms. We were similar enough that what I knew about overcoming myself was an effective strategy for helping her learn the same lessons. We had the capacity to understand one another’s motivations. I’m a very passionate person. I was always far more controlled than Alex, more turned inward, more hidden, more reluctant to show myself and connect. But there was some shared core architecture. I knew what to appeal to, what to grab on to what to push back against, how to direct her, what the end goal was. I had a clear vision of what the good version of her was (as well as the bad).

Avalon is different though. She’s more like Amber. And although Amber provides an interesting example of the directions a person like that can go, I never figured out how to handle Amber, really. And Avalon, much as she has some huge temperamental similarities to Amber, has some big differences that alter how it’s expressed that really make the whole thing more complex. They alter the pattern. I don’t know; it’s possible that deep down there’s more similarity than I think, that they’re still in the same categories but expressing through different sub-categories. I have theories, but not enough information yet. Maybe in a couple years I’ll understand better.

It’s harder to tell with Avalon. Things are more subtle. They’re not really any less able to be pathological, they just manifest it in such a different way that I’m not used to and have little experience with, and that is less obviously and more subtly problematic. I can’t sort it out so easily. Avalon and I had far fewer and far less dramatic confrontations, but I still knew there was a battle being fought over her control and expression of herself and that it needed to be fought, for her sake and the sake of everyone around her. I could see the effects. I could see how she actually was hurting the people around her, and herself. But it was more like a soft power fight, a cold war. Avalon had defenses that were far more subtle and less easy to resist, less easy to confront. Alex and Avalon both had ways of making it hard to confront them. Alex made you feel bad for yourself, and Avalon made you feel bad for her. Neither was honest. Both were arguments of emotion and will, the arguments of a child. And I wanted to raise them into the realm of adult understanding and consideration, of listening and negotiating and problem solving.

I’m still trying to figure out what convinces Avalon. I think I know how to convince Alex. But I really am still not sure of how to convince Avalon. Her internal process operate in a more private and arcane and mysterious way. She, like her mother, often defies my understanding

I’m still hoping to break through to Avalon. It’s less obvious to tell. Alex was so stubborn and defiant that when she did finally come along on something it was obvious. Avalon will back down much more easily in the moment, but then go right back to being exactly the same and doing the exact same things as if you never had the preceding discussion (possibly several times). It’s not even really clear when she’s actually listening to you or has just lost interest and wandered off in her mind and ignored or forgotten everything you were saying.

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The inadequacy of modern and postmodern Christs

The postmodernist Christ is completely unnecessary. He did not and cannot conquer death, because he was not truly unique or divine and did not rise. He was a divine story and rose in our hearts, but in reality he died, and he had no more real power than any other prophet or story in our world. He cannot conquer sin, because sin does not exist. There is no need for a savior who can save us from our sins, when we can simply define them out of existence. He becomes merely a prop, a comfort, a mascot for our own easy self-righteousness that proceeds directly from our identity in ourselves.

We’re willing to revere him and value the postmodern Jesus, but we don’t need him. The dangers he saves us from only exist in our minds, and his grace exists only for our psychological comfort. So any savior we believe in sufficiently will do. There’s no real difference between them, only in what they mean to us. He is our comfort, but he is not our savior, because there is nothing wrong with us, only with our attitude or with our circumstances. And since Jesus didn’t generate any savings accounts or social benefits or infrastructure by dying on the cross, we don’t really need that part of his story.

We can get the divine gifts of peace and affirmation from therapy and positive thinking and self-love, and we can get the divine gifts of safety and opportunity from the government. Our psychologist will help us claim all the love and affirmation we deserve, and our human and civil rights will grant us everything else we need to enjoy it. We don’t need a savior because the world already owes us divinity; we just need to put in the effort to collect it and demand it. But Jesus can be our wingman.

The modernist Christ is not much better. Sin is very real; the harsh, unforgiving realities of the world are real, but Christ is a deconstructed, demystified, and ineffective symbol. He has to power to save or forgive. He’s a nice idea, but is an impractical, impotent symbol. He is not divine and not unique. He has no power to overcome the very real problems that our universal understanding reveals. Jesus is just a man, he’s far too small. And we have little use for such stories and symbols in an age of immense knowledge and power and expertise.

This Jesus is a mournful savior, forever reminding us of the harsh, unconquerable reality of our sin and limitations and our wishful thinking that a sky man could somehow solve them. He had some nice ideas, but reality killed him for it. Even grace has to submit to the weight of the harsh realities and necessities of the world. Better still is to harden yourself and face the world with the powers at hand. Get some real powers, some real knowledge. Get some science or economics. We have no savior but ourselves. The weight of the world, the weight of divine responsibility, is on us.

Classical Christianity believes it both needs a savior and has one. Sin is real, suffering is real, death is real. None of them are symbolic or exist only in our perceptions or perspective; they’re real, tangible problems of humanity and history. They have a definite nature, they are universal and persistent. And they require a real, tangible solution. And that solution is real, also. That’s the essence of classical Christianity. There is a lot of variation within it, lots of different perspectives, but the fundamental basics are there that set it apart from the modern and postmodern variations that are not clearly part of the same fundamental philosophical tradition, whatever the surface symbolism and language might indicate.

There have been modern and ancient sects of Christianity whose core tenets were actually much closer to those of pantheism, and only appeared similar on the surface, in the use of language, but beyond the grammar shared little substantive content. The temptation to pantheism has always been there; a large part of the total story of the Bible is devoted to the difficulty of keeping people focused on the difficult prospect of a God that transcends figuration and delineation but is still personally interested in you.

It’s much easier to imagine something infinitely closer or infinitely further from us than something that seeks to be both. The far-off philosophical abstraction of the tetragrammaton fits well with modernist conceptions of God, while the nearness of a God who eats and weeps with us in Christ fits well with a postmodern conception of God. One is as far off and as abstract as the great universalities, the other is as small and near and tangible as ourselves. The fact that classical Christianity asks us to accept and maintain both simultaneously is its most interesting and curious feature. That it has struggled to do so historically is no surprise.

My goodbye to social media

It’s time for me to admit that I’m a bit of a coward. Over time, I’ve noticed a couple things. First, social media (and media in general) is making my life worse instead of better. It’s making it harder to work, sleep, love and care for my family, have good atitudes about others, care about the world around me, and just generally be a healthy and version of myself. So I’ve decided to bow my head to those empirical results and try to change some of my habits. It’s not anyone else’s fault, it’s something about me as a human and how the structure of media works these days. I keep taking it in, but it’s not feeding me, it’s starving me.

I’m also someone who really doesn’t like a lot of interpersonal drama or personal confrontation. I love a good discussion, but free, intelligent discussions about theory and ideas. And everything is so personal and has such massive stakes for everyone’s identity, I just don’t feel like there’s much safe territory left for someone like me who, for some perverse reason, likes to be a contrarian to all positions.

So yeah, I’m too afraid of what other people may think of me, as well as too afraid of what I’m doing to myself, to feel comfortable in the majority of modern media these days, including social media. And it’s typical of my personality to want to retreat and sort everything out before being willing to interact with the world. The problem is, the world is too big to figure everything out and have all the answers. New problems and challenges arise daily, and I could easily spend all my time retreating and just trying to sort out the latest issue that disturbs my peace.

So there’s a good motivation and a bad one for pulling back inside me. But since I’ve been spending so much time pulling back, I figured I may as well at least share something about the small number of things that have drawn me out. I’ve been reading a lot, and I’ve been trying to figure out what the various books I’ve been reading have in common. And I think I can put my finger on it. They’re almost all people who are pushing back against their own apparent “side” and are willing to criticize the mistakes of their own party, faith, discipline, race, class, sex, or culture. Not in the way of a vindicated savior or liberator or revolutionary, not in a way that makes you feel good because you’re scoring points against the other side, but in a humble way that is willing to confront your own side’s mistakes because you really love it and truly see its strengths and want it to succeed and become something bigger and better and more complete. And that isn’t always easy. It’s easy to criticize what you hate and don’t require, it’s much harder to criticize what you love and need and believe in.

Not that it’s all about criticism, in fact I think part of our problem today is that it’s so much easier to articulate what’s wrong with someone or something than extoll a compelling positive vision for what you’re trying to achieve. Explaining what you’re against often just creates enemies, it’s explaining what you’re for that creates followers.

Still, I love a contrarian, someone willing to swim against the current in the interest of knowledge and exploration. Even when they’re wrong, you tend to learn something about the position they hold, or your own, from their approach. I’m terribly interested in people who can find the problems within themselves and want to defeat those problems where they live, within ourselves, because they love the truth and trust it more than they trust themselves or their identities and loyalties. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your enemies, it takes even more courage to stand up to your friends, as Albus Dumbledore said. Or, to quote an older source, wounds from a friend can be trusted. And your closest friend is usually yourself.

That’s why I find thinkers like Neitsche and Sarte and Camus so compelling, despite them residing at an opposite end from the positions I usually take. They provide something real to cut my teeth on, a real challenge that makes me find the strengths and weaknesses within myself.

It took me a while to define my own theory about politics and perspective, and it took a lot of wandering through the rantings of both sides to realize the truth. Everybody was right. Or maybe everybody was wrong. Basically, to a certain degree, everyone is right about their concerns about the other side, the danger really does exist and is very realistic. And everyone is right about the good qualities and intentions of their side. Everyone does have some constructive ideas and insights, and everyone is right about how they can see the other side driving the ship toward the rocks. I remember when I suddenly saw and truly understood and believed that everyone was right about everybody. It changed my life. And then I started to see that the real problem wasn’t the other side, per se, but the atmosphere for expression, the medium, the overall environment that pushed one side or the other or both toward more or less complimentary or oppositional, or healthy or pathological, or balanced or extreme versions of themselves. And right now both sides are not doing great.

The thing is, in America, we have a remarkably even (despite all our history) divide between parties, and a power balance that mostly just rocks back and forth. So what this tells me is that we’re really dealing with is a divide larelgely based around broad personality factors, differing strategies for handling life, that are distributed fairly evenly. I won’t bother going into the specific characters of thos divides, but what it really means is that you fundementally can’t eliminate the other side or discount their contributions or concerns.

The values and concerns of one side might need to be balanced against the values and concerns of your own, but actually defeating or removing them not only isn’t desirable (it would deprive us of essential and necessary qualities humans need to thrive), it wouldn’t really be possible (because a certain percentage of humans possess those qualities by nature). So you would have to kill or deport half the country, and constantly find and eliminate anyone born with those traits, which wouldn’t really make for a better society.

Having said that, we do need to seek to confront the most extreme, unbalanced, pathological versions of those personalities, to some degree on the other side, but more urgently within our own. We really only have authority over ourselves, and the best way to lead is by example. So our crusade should, ideally, focus on finding the best version of who we are, not on finding the worst version of what other people are.

So I don’t think we need to get rid of conservatives or liberals, and I don’t think we can. We just need to get rid of the worst versions of those super-personalities, starting with ourselves.

So, having said all that, who have I been reading or listening to lately that I would place on my short list of interesting people worth hearing from? Well, here they are. They’re an odd group (who would likely make some people from both sides angry for different reasons). And in fact I disagree quite a bit with most of them about lots of things. But here they are. None of them are perfect, but I think if you could find a way to at least hear what they have to say and understand it, sympathize with their perspectives a little, it would go a long way toward shaking up your ideas and making them a bit more complex, as they have with mine.

Thomas Sowell

Walter Williams

Shelby Steele

Jason Riley

Glenn Loury

John McWhorter

Jonathan Haidt

Douglas Murray

Daniel Gardner

Jen Twenge

David Berlinsky

Gaad Saad

Steven Pinker

Jordan Peterson

Erika Christakis

Janice Fiamengo

Stephen Fry

The Hoover Insitution

The Rubin Report

The Manhattan Insitute

ReasonTV

Admitting I enjoy these folks is probably going to get me branded as an alt-right maniac by a lot of people, and that’s fair. Part of my theory of knowledge is that you’re always going to find problems and mistakes in any single source, and you have to learn to think and be flexible in your judgements if you want to navigate understanding with any real thoughtfulness. There’s no person so perfect that they’ve got everything right, and everyone will seem like a maniac to someone. And in every manic there’s usually a kernel of wisdom to be gleaned. These are just some of the maniacs I’ve enjoyed lately.

Any actual alt-right people out there might wonder why my list includes so many people who are Jewish, liberal, black, gay, female, atheist, etc. I’ve got a couple libertarians on there too, and to be honest that’s one of the things I struggle with too because I have a very hard time getting on board with libertarianism. I just think these are all smart, disruptive, thoughtful people who have something to offer that’s worth considering as a curative to a lot of what’s out there. I think (mostly) these are the sort of people who could criticize both sides of an issue and aren’t obviously a loyalist right or left wing thinker. They’re people who could easily be ignored by both sides. Or in some cases they’re a more complex or less typical or more interesting version of a more typical ideology (unusual conservatives or unusual liberals).

I’m an extreme Trump critic, and it was very hard for me even to listen to people discuss his appeal in some of these venues, but trying to understand was one of my goals, and I think I learned a lot from it. I was able to sympathize with and make sense of their viewpoints a lot better. It is a little easier for me to hear those arguments from people who were liberal and crossed over to conservative than it is to hear them from loyal conservatives.

Similarly, it’s easier for me to hear about faith from agnostics like Peterson and Berlinski than it is to hear from popular religious scholars. It’s easier for me to hear about race from former black panthers. It’s easier for me to hear about capitalism from former Marxists. It’s easier for me to hear about conservatism from former liberals. The journey these people have had to take and the fact they came from an opposing position adds some texture and perspective that I value, even if I don’t embrace all their positions.

If I had to pick a single place to start, it would be Jonathan Haidt’s work in “The Righteous Mind” and Jordan Peterson’s psychology lectures on personality and politics. I think those together add some legitimacy to my personal theories (based on experience) on politics and personality. Together, they provide legitimate grounds for why both sides have something to offer and are worth listening to, so we can curb our excesses, avoid our blind spots, better understand the aims and concerns of others, and have a better understanding of what it is we and they really have to contribute. Once that door is open, there’s at least the possibility of positive growth.

The hardest thing to understand about people (me included) is that they’re all people. They’re all complex. They all have some strengths and insights, and they all have some weaknesses and blind spots. We can’t afford to make one dimensional heroes of ourselves or one dimensional villains of others, whichever side we stand on. We genuinely can’t afford it, America can’t afford it, humanity can’t afford it. We need all those conservatives, we need all those liberals. And if we fail to be aware of our value, or the value of others, or the potential of our own pathology and not just that of others, we’re doomed to miss out. We need all of our country, and all of our country has the potential to helps us or to harm us.

As it is, it seems like right now there’s just something broken with the whole system we’re operating in. It’s convincing all of us were the best and that everyone else is the worst. It’s driving us in an endless battle of distorted perceptions and infinite reactions and counter-reactions to feed our pursuit of one another. It’s stealing away our health and social lives and virtue and offering us some sort of junk food substitute. And we’re afraid to stop eating because we’re starving, and we don’t know what we would live off if we stopped. But in a purely practical sense we need to ask ourselves, did the world really get so much worse since 2011, or did something change about how we connect to the world, and is it possible that it’s doing something bad to us under the guise of giving us what we want?

And right now I’m a little tired of being the person who says “that’s not really that unreasonable a concern” about what liberals say about Trump and getting looked at like I’m a degenerate. And I’m tired of being the person who says “that’s not really that unreasonable a concern” about what conservatives say about Biden and getting looked at like I’m a degenerate. Get off your high horses. Everyone has reached just as dangerous of depths as everyone else, in my opinion, and everyone has just as much potential to contribute and be helpful and valuable.

The line dividing good and evil cuts down the heart of every man, as Alexander Solzhenitsyn said. This is one of the most essential truths of all history, the core moral truth of Western Civilization. The idea that whatever and whoever we are, however good or powerful we are, whatever our history, whatever our position, whatever our intentions, whatever our abilities, there exists within all of us the potential to have those things go terrifically right or terribly wrong. And any excuse, whether power and privilege or the lack of it, can give us sufficient reason to embrace our darker potential, and either could just as well be the means to lifting us up.

There isn’t any inborn moral determinism that guarantees us our status and makes us either unassailably righteous or unredeemably corrupt. Neither victory nor victimhood, neither powerlesness nor privilege, is determinative of the moral status of us or anyone else. In any way. We are what we are, and we can be the good version of it, and we can be the bad version of it (and most of the time we’re being a little bit of both, and in a large complex society the greatest likelihood is that our institutions are also being a bit of both).

And ignorance of our potential for either is terribly dangerous. We will miss the good we could do, and we will miss the evil we risk. There is no ideological purity, no personal immunity; instead, we must always think of “there but for the grace of God go I”.

And as long as we can’t admit that our side is getting (or even has the potential to get) a bit sick and distorted and pathological, for the sake of resisting the pathology of the other side, all we’re going to do is accelerate the race to the bottom. And we won’t even realize we’re doing it. And then we’ll all cut each other’s throats, tear the whole fabric of society to bits, and get to start over again with the sort of reset that comes from complete catastrophe and the loss of the treasured institutions that we all built together and inherited together.

So that’s my soapbox. As usual, I’ve taken so long to say it, that it will have far less impact than it would if I could have been a bit more pithy. Oh well. I have an odd personality type. I’m an Enneagram 5w4, and when it comes to the Big 5 personality traits I’m off the charts on Openness. So my personality exists over a vast gulf in human perspective known as “the void”. What’s actually in the void? I can tell you. The void in the cliff that people who go too far off one side or the other and meet no help from other side fall off of. It’s the depth of disease and despair that all human personality can slide down into if they go too deep into themselves. The only way to stand over the void is to bridge it from both sides and meet, hand against hand, force against force, pushing together, in the middle.

The sucky thing about living in that personality space, an an individual, is the temptation to fall into it with both feet, from both directions, as it were (even as the species does socollectively) . So I find myself troubled with the psychic burden of feeling myself falling in from both directions, and being troubled on every side by watching other people falling in with me from both directions. It’s pretty depressing, and it’s even more depressing because people standing on both sides look at me and point out that, from their perspective, I’m standing in the worst pits of their opposition. And I have no idea how to live with it. Because from my perspective no one is safe. Everyone around me seems to just be descending slowly into the same indistinguishable depths. No one is safe. If experience has taught me anything these last few years, it’s that no one, however reasonable and nice and well intentioned, is safe, and second, that there is no obvious ultimate limit to just how far down things can go. No limit to how bad it could get, how far people could be taken in their pathology. It’s history in action. We are like all other humans that have come before us.

Archimedes, speaking of the potential power of a lever, said “Give me but a firm place to stand and I will move the Earth.” We are all capable of being moved with the right level, the right fulcrum. And right now we’re building bigger and bigger levers and fulcrums than ever, thanks to our media. We all have the potential to be moved to either health or disfigurstion. We can’t take that vulnerability away from ourselves, nor that power. All we can do is learn to admit it to ourselves, and to seek that little bit of pushback that will help to restrain our excesses, that little bit of appreciation that will help us receive the gifts of others, that little bit of awareness that will help us see the paths we walk and where we steer too hard into or away from the wind, that little bit of wisdom that pulls us out of the advantages and limitations we each face to something just a little bit higher, more complete, more balanced, than what we are alone.

Let me not, to the marriage of true minds, admit impediment. Right now we’re admitting a lot of impediments. We need a wedding of the minds that make up our nation. We’re like a house in a bitter marriage, heading toward divorce. Each of us trying to save the marriage by burning the other out of it. And we’re letting ourselves drift further and further apart from the state of truth that would allow us to meet. Yes, there are terrible, almost insurmountable differences. Yes, the dangers each of us present, that we see in one a other, are quite real. It’s a terrifying prospect, because we all hold such equal dangerous potential. But that similarity is also our strength. The same line divides all our hearts. Not one from another, but from ourselves. We are all together in our danger. And we are together in our potential to help one another too. The line that divides us isn’t between us, it’s within us. Within all of us. And if we can just see it, if we can attend to it, where we live, within our own hearts, we can begin to inch back toward our meeting.

Among the these people I listed I have seen hopeful signs. I’ve seen people atheists uniting with the religious to share concerns and hopes, people coming from different sides to meet in the middle and share insights. And I hope that’s something that can continue. I’m not optimistic. But I wish to be.

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How to respond to emotions

There is a certain response to questions that considers it more important to validate feelings, and the intuitions they represent, than it is to resolve them. That it’s more important and more kind to a person to agree with and respect their intuitive response than it is to test whether they are actually appropriate, potentially freeing the person from them or bringing fulfillment to the concern or interest that the feeling represents.

There is, of course, also a school of response that spends far too little time sympathizing and validating feelings and intuitive reactions (the instinctive judgements that this is dangerous or that is desirable), fails to really comprehend the full nature and import and concern the feelings represent, and seeks only to hastily resolve them. Feelings are intuitive reactions, instinctive subconscious responses to push us toward or away from things, that drive us to action (to fight, to flee, to grasp, to pursue, to embrace). But because they arise instinctually, without our prior permission to a certain degree, they require testing to validate or correct or fine tune those responses.

Neither fear nor fearlessness are by themselves good not bad. They are good or bad insofar as they are appropriately tuned to their object and the situation (and appropriately balanced with other pertinent values and concerns). Emotions provide an invaluable amount of information, much like physical pain or pleasure. They let you know when something is good for you or bad for you or helpful or dangerous, even when you haven’t taken the time to do the conscious work to sort such things out in detail. They’re like an early warning system, or a sort of programmed shorthand response system. Like any such system though, occasionally (if the matter is very serious) you need to do a little extra reconnaissance and study to determine if your initial assessment was accurate.

So there is a sense in which feelings are subjective. They’re the accumulated systems of reaction and valuation that a person has accumulated from their experience combined with their predispositions (their personality). So you can’t ignore them or dismiss them without dismissing the inherent nature and collected experience of a person and the responses they have developed as a result. But emotions are actually about something, they have an object, they are theoretical and practical. They are about something. And that something can be tested and explored, the thesis tested, the conclusion altered and refined and improved. And that’s a good thing, in fact the best thing. An emotion that has been proved a trustworthy signal is a great thing indeed. And it’s hard to underestimate the damage that can be caused by a faulty response system. You might fear what you should embrace, fight enemies that aren’t your foes, love what you should run from. Your wellbeing depends enormously on having emotions that are not only validated, but valid. And because the world is complex, people are complex, and life is terribly uneven in its composition, it’s enormously important to constantly seek to challenge and revise our responses or risk stagnation and distortion. You risk becoming trapped by your own instinctive patterns. Still, it hurts to challenge or revise or even lose those patterns, those structures you’ve built so carefully to protect yourself and direct yourself.

Emotions aren’t a test of truth, but they are an indicator of truth. For this reason, they need to be understood and respected and valued, but they also nerd to be restrained, balanced, and questioned.

Emotions as unconscious, instinctive, low-resolution analysis. A quick way to respond to situations that might present a threat, danger, or opportunity. They’re wonderfully useful and impressive, but fallible just because they are instinctive and low-resolution. They require testing, elaborating, revising, training.

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The social nature of moral norms

In practice, the majority of moral norms are socially negotiated. The excuse “everybody was doing it” may not make much sense to parents, but it has a lot of explanatory power when it comes to explaining actual behaviors. The perceived acceptability of a behavior has an enormous influence on its allowability and acceptance and its moral value in society. To a certain degree this is a consequentialist calculation, our own guess at what we’re willing to do based on how likely it is we will get what we want and the likelihood we will avoid a negative outcome (for whatever reason, both individually and in society). The primary limit on individual behaviors is basically what we think we can get away with.

Do these kinds of calculus and does this kind of social restraint actually involve any direct moral reasoning? Or is it just a separate practical question that exists apart from the direct establishment of moral ideals? It depends who you ask. Some people would say that there are no “real” moral dimensions, no further moral questions really being considered (no deep questions of what we should do or should be or teleological ideals). All moral questions are conventional and practical. If you can get away with it, and if people agree generally that it’s fine so it’s not a behavior that will result in negative social consequences, then it is fine.

According to this view, there isn’t another sense of something being right or wrong except insofar as it seems good enough to you or good enough to your social group. Having said that, those theories tend to be extremely pragmatic and driven by personal taste and judgement, so that there really aren’t many restraints on what is possible, and moral criticism of other differing standards becomes very hard to maintain, without invoking some transcendent order about the question of what is “good for” people, in which case you’re bacially slid back into some sort of natural law and teleology.

There’s certainly no reason why you couldn’t develop a personal or social moral code that is very “enlightened” and humanistic and altruistic, if that’s your prejudice, if that’s what floats your boat. There’s just no special reason why you should, no special reason why you shouldn’t endorse a quite opposite philosophy, if that’s what you want. In such cases, the tastefulness of moralities to our delicate sensibilities is very dependent on the optimistic hope that everyone will just happen to be on the same page and want things the same way despite there being no universal law or structure to life or humanity that compels them to do so. You’re just hoping that we all get lucky and all turn out to be nice, deep down. An assumption our history as humans should immediately disabuse you of.

After all, you can’t really argue that the people who engaged in all the kinds of behaviors that disturb us weren’t pursuing their own good and happiness as they defined it, and that an enormous amount of those behaviors were generally approved and allowed by their societies. If you’re a believer in the “noble savage” doctrine, you probably have more hope in the “everybody is nice and will be nice if you let then” doctrine. It’s a strange theory, because it’s so easily disproved by just the most cursory review of history.

And because it claims that there is no other mechanism that defines moral reality, then all of history is nothing but the forces of individual assessment of good and social permission of behaviors playing out. The theory is descriptive as well as prescriptive. There never has been another moral reality; this was the only game that there ever was. So all moralities are just different expressions of it, however they may dress themselves up or articulate themselves. There are no behaviors that are, by their nature, superior or forbidden. If there were, then we would be living in a different moral universe, one with some sort of natural law or teleology. So any statements we make declaring a behavior approved by another person or society (it’s not clear at what level moral authority to make such judgements rests, does it require only one to make the determination, or four people, or a majority of any size group?; at what level does option become authoritative) to be wrong or unacceptable (or good) are really just statements of personal prejudice, not objective, relatable fact. They have no real claims upon the other party (who is not part of their group), who has a different structure of moral calculus.

So moral statements are primarily statements of feeling and personal and social value (positive and negative feeling), that operate as facts within those contexts but have no special validity outside them. So in a sense we are free to criticize people of other times and places, as if we were stating moral facts, so long as we recognize that they are, in fact, not and would have no relevance inside that other person’s structure.

How the fracturing into smaller and smaller moral universes is to be avoided is unclear, except by voluntary arbitrary consent. There’s no special reason why you should choose to allow your moral identity to be constrained by a group, if it’s going to interfere with your own pursuit of your good according to your framework. You could speculate that you might find it easier to get what you want by forming alliances with others, this is the basis of “mutual selfishness benefit” theories of morality. That we’re all really just being completely selfish and there’s no other way to be, but by being slightly less individualistic and more collective we will each actually have a better chance of getting what we want.

And there are some merits to this argument. Of course, it presents us with a morality in which external, not internal, observation is the supreme value. In such a system, you would benefit most maximally by appearing to be the most righteous while privately being the most selfish. The biggest winners would be those who can aquire the benefits of social approval while living in the most individually unrestrained and selfish manner.

A politician who enjoys the benefits of public honor and respect and has a happy family life, but also enriches themselves by their office and enjoys the company of a maximal amount of extramarital liaisons literally has the best of both worlds and has maximized both their public and private morality. And of course, any means you could find to achieve direct public approval for your own maximal selfishness (which isn’t impossible) is the best of all possible worlds. And positions of power and influence and wealth and honor are likely to grant you that sort of happy situation, or at least make it easier, or make it easier to manage the successful juggling of dual moralities.

And it is the case that this does seem to happen a lot, that this case is perhaps what the world, in fact, is, and any resentment of it and of its great heroes and victors is merely delusion (being fooled into believing our own feelings represent some actual transcendent moral code) or jealousy that we weren’t able to achieve such success ourselves. The general tendency of wealth and power is to use them to disconnect certain pro-self behaviors from their usual social consequences, to open up opportunities for fulfillment that were primarily restrained by the limitations of social conventions and lack of opportunities. This isn’t, per se, bad for us, in fact in a way its more authentic and freeing and closer to the fabric underlying the true moral reality. We’re just seeing it exposed with less restraint and negotiation, exposing the underlying forces for what they are. If we could all do that, we would, the only reason we don’t is because doing so would often be counterproductive. But if we can change the structures, the limitations, the opportunities, so that we can get what we want without much risk of negative consequence, then by the only moral law that really exists its almost I cunbent on us to do so. If I want something, if it seems good to me and would make me happier (however I choose to define that, the definition is not restrained by anything other than my personal preferences and prejudices, not determined by some fixed law or nature), and I can have it without seriously compromising my other desires, then I should have it. All morality is merely a negotiation toward the fulfillment of our needs and desires. The only really objective moral question to ask of any other society (and perhaps person) is, did their system succeed in getting them what they wanted? If yes, then way to go. If not, then you blew it somehow. Not in some transcendent moral sense, just in a practical sense. If we share preferences and prejudices, I may learn something practical from your story about how to get what I want by avoiding your mistakes and imitating your successes.

There are no behaviors that are, by their nature, superior or forbidden. If there were, then we would be living in a different moral universe, one with some sort of natural law or teleology. So any statements we make declaring a behavior approved by another person or society (it’s not clear at what level moral authority to make such judgements rests, does it require only one to make the determination, or four people, or a majority of any size group?; at what level does option become authoritative) to be wrong or unacceptable (or good) are really just statements of personal prejudice, not objective, relatable fact. They have no real claims upon the other party (who is not part of their group), who has a different structure of moral calculus.

So moral statements are primarily statements of feeling and personal and social value (positive and negative feeling), that operate as facts within those contexts but have no special validity outside them. So in a sense we are free to criticize people of other times and places, as if we were stating moral facts, so long as we recognize that they are, in fact, not and would have no relevance inside that other person’s structure.

How the fracturing into smaller and smaller moral universes is to be avoided is unclear, except by voluntary arbitrary consent. There’s no special reason why you should choose to allow your moral identity to be constrained by a group, if it’s going to interfere with your own pursuit of your good according to your framework. You could speculate that you might find it easier to get what you want by forming alliances with others, this is the basis of “mutual selfishness benefit” theories of morality. That we’re all really just being completely selfish and there’s no other way to be, but by being slightly less individualistic and more collective we will each actually have a better chance of getting what we want.

And there are some merits to this argument. Of course, it presents us with a morality in which external, not internal, observation is the supreme value. In such a system, you would benefit most maximally by appearing to be the most righteous while privately being the most selfish. The biggest winners would be those who can aquire the benefits of social approval while living in the most individually unrestrained and selfish manner.

A politician who enjoys the benefits of public honor and respect and has a happy family life, but also enriches themselves by their office and enjoys the company of a maximal amount of extramarital liaisons literally has the best of both worlds and has maximized both their public and private morality. And of course, any means you could find to achieve direct public approval for your own maximal selfishness (which isn’t impossible) is the best of all possible worlds. And positions of power and influence and wealth and honor are likely to grant you that sort of happy situation, or at least make it easier, or make it easier to manage the successful juggling of dual moralities.

And it is the case that this does seem to happen a lot, that this case is perhaps what the world, in fact, is, and any resentment of it and of its great heroes and victors is merely delusion (being fooled into believing our own feelings represent some actual transcendent moral code) or jealousy that we weren’t able to achieve such success ourselves. The general tendency of wealth and power is to use them to disconnect certain pro-self behaviors from their usual social consequences, to open up opportunities for fulfillment that were primarily restrained by the limitations of social conventions and lack of opportunities. This isn’t, per se, bad for us, in fact in a way its more authentic and freeing and closer to the fabric underlying the true moral reality. We’re just seeing it exposed with less restraint and negotiation, exposing the underlying forces for what they are. If we could all do that, we would, the only reason we don’t is because doing so would often be counterproductive. But if we can change the structures, the limitations, the opportunities, so that we can get what we want without much risk of negative consequence, then by the only moral law that really exists its almost I cunbent on us to do so. If I want something, if it seems good to me and would make me happier (however I choose to define that, the definition is not restrained by anything other than my personal preferences and prejudices, not determined by some fixed law or nature), and I can have it without seriously compromising my other desires, then I should have it. All morality is merely a negotiation toward the fulfillment of our needs and desires. The only really objective moral question to ask of any other society (and perhaps person) is, did their system succeed in getting them what they wanted? If yes, then way to go. If not, then you blew it somehow. Not in some transcendent moral sense, just in a practical sense. If we share preferences and prejudices, I may learn something practical from your story about how to get what I want by avoiding your mistakes and imitating your successes.
So, any statements we make declaring a behavior approved by another person or society (it’s not clear at what level moral authority to make such judgements tests, does it require only one to make the determination, or four people, or a majority of any size group; at what level does option become authoritative) to be wrong or unacceptable (or good) are really just statements of personal prejudice, not objective, relatable fact. They have no claims upon the other party, who has a different structure of moral calculus. So moral statements are primarily statements of feeling and personal and social value (positive and negative feeling), that operate as facts within those contexts but have no special validity outside them. So in a sense we are free to criticize people of other times and places, as if we were stating moral facts, so long as we recognize that they are, in fact, not and would have no relevance inside that other person’s structure. How the fracturing into smaller and smaller moral universes is to be avoided is unclear, except by voluntary arbitrary consent. There’s no special reason why you should choose to allow your moral identity to be constrained by a group, if it’s going to interfere with your own pursuit of your good according to your framework. You could speculate that you might find it easier to get what you want by forming alliances with others, this is the basis of “mutual selfishness benefit” theories of morality. That were all really just being completely selfish and there’s no other way to be, but by being slightly less individualistic and more collective we will each actually have a better chance of getting what we want. And there are some merits to this argument. Of course, it presents us with a morality in which external, not internal, observation is the supreme value. In such a system, you would benefit most maximally by appearing to be the most righteous while privately being the most selfish. The biggest winners would be those who can aquire the benefits of social approval while living in the most individually unrestrained and selfish manner. A politician who enjoys the benefits of public honor and respect and has a happy family life, but also enriches themselves by their office and enjoys the company of a maximal amount of extramarital liaisons literally has the best of both worlds and has maximized both their public and private morality. And of course, any means you could find to achieve direct public approval for your own maximal selfishness (which isn’t impossible) is the best of all possible worlds. And positions of power and influence and wealth and honor are likely to grant you that sort of happy situation, or at least make it easier, or make it easier to manage the successful juggling of dual moralities. And it is the case that this does seem to happen a lot, that this case is perhaps what the world, in fact, is, and any resentment of it and of its great heroes and victors is merely delusion (being fooled into believing our own feelings represent some actual transcendent moral code) or jealousy that we weren’t able to achieve such success ourselves. The general tendency of wealth and power is to use them to disconnect certain pro-self behaviors from their usual social consequences, to open up opportunities for fulfillment that were primarily restrained by the limitations of social conventions and lack of opportunities. This isn’t, per se, bad for us, in fact in a way its more authentic and freeing and closer to the fabric underlying the true moral reality. We’re just seeing it exposed with less restraint and negotiation, exposing the underlying forces for what they are. If we could all do that, we would, the only reason we don’t is because doing so would often be counterproductive. But if we can change the structures, the limitations, the opportunities, so that we can get what we want without much risk of negative consequence, then by the only moral law that really exists its almost I cunbent on us to do so. If I want something, if it seems good to me and would make me happier (however I choose to define that, the definition is not restrained by anything other than my personal preferences and prejudices, not determined by some fixed law or nature), and I can have it without seriously compromising my other desires, then I should have it. All morality is merely a negotiation toward the fulfillment of our needs and desires. The only really objective moral question to ask of any other society (and perhaps person) is, did their system succeed in getting them what they wanted? If yes, then way to go. If not, then you blew it somehow. Not in some transcendent moral sense, just in a practical sense. If we share preferences and prejudices, I may learn something practical from your story about how to get what I want by avoiding your mistakes and imitating your successes.

The result of such a moral law isn’t likely to be piousness or righteousness or virtue or any such concept, except by delusion and misunderstanding. The power of such a moral law is minimal obedience. People will obey just insofar as they can be sure they will benefit. And in their private life, anywhere they can, they seek the underlying advantage that is the real goal of such a morality.

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Do men actually like other men? 

A question for thought, do men actually like one another very much? It always seems to me that women liked each other more and had more active actual relationships. Men have alliances, they enjoy playing together in a way that involves practice for competition, they also engage in dominance establishment activities. But to most men other men are always potential rivals. Or allies against other rivals.

There is a camaraderie, and a sort of solidarity, in fact a very strong one. Men seem simpler to one another. In many ways men are less scary to men than are women, less inexplicable, less complicated. Both men and women challenge men’s value, but in different ways. Other men in the way that other swimmers in a race do. Women in the way that the judges at a race do.

Men who seek the company of men find escape from one type of potential threat to their psychology and self esteem, and are often tempted to boast in that context of how successful they are. They may call a truce against

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The pursuit of the self 

What percentage of your day is spent deliberately caring for or trying to bring pleasure to someone else? What effect is this likely to have on you as a person if it is little? If it is a lot? What are the likely long term effects of a society that encourages us to spend more and more of our time seeking pleasure and fulfillment for ourselves and easily getting exactly what we want (or some version of it) with little investment in or need for give and take with other people to get it? Now that we can finally settle down and focus on ourselves, will we finally be better and happier and more superior to previous generations? Or do we merely stand upon their accomplishments and relax in their ease and benefit, to our own gradual decline and detriment. In many previous civilizations, the knowledge and energy and capabilities of the past were lost because the people lost internally what was needed to produce or sustain them.

The value of disagreeability

There is much that we dismiss because it is disagreeable, and many people who we dismiss for the same reason. But simply because something is disagreeable does not necessarily mean that it isn’t true. Life and reality are often disagreeable, truth is often disagreeable. As a parent, it is a heavy and difficult burden that you must often be the bearer of unwelcome tidings to your children, who would much prefer that the whole world was arranged purely for their pleasure and advantage and greatly resent any impositions from reality or from other persons and their conflicting and competing requirements, demands, desires, and ideas. But as parent, it is your job to help them by preparing them for the world as it is, not as they wish it be, however disagreeable that task might be. We soften the blow with our love and support, with our own shared sympathy of our own struggles and shortcomings and the ways we have had to grow and adapt and become stronger and more than we were. It is in relationship and in challenge that we find our identity, through negotiation and growth and revision and considered understanding. If we were ever to be safe from all the slings and arrows and injustices of life, all the demands and limitations placed on us by others and by the world, we would find that there would be very little to us. We are, in a way, made for challenge, even made for suffering. We discover ourselves and our limits in the overcoming. We discover ourselves in the delicate dance of give and take we enter into in our relationships with friends, family, coworkers, and society as a whole.

Life is unfair. Life is disagreeable. Life is challenging and demands much of us. Suffering is part of its nature. And we all have our part of it to bear. But just because something is disagreeable does not mean it isn’t good for us. It doesn’t mean it won’t make us grow or make us better, that it won’t refine us, won’t strengthen us, won’t force us to develop into someone who can bear the weight. So we must be very wary of our childlike loathing for and fear of disagreeable truths and even disagreeable people. Certainly, they can harm us, they can be pathological, if they leave us no hope, no room for growth, no path to walk. That is the difference between good and bad honest parenting. Love doesn’t hide the truth or remove the challenges and make a captive, pampered pet of a child. Love doesn’t deprive them of the chance to be more than they are and to grow beyond the challenges that confront them in the world and within themselves. Love also does not criticize with no purpose, with no hope or purpose or end in mind. It does not consign a child to the determinism of their nature and circumstances. True love sees you for who you are and the world for what it is and makes you strong enough to face it. True love believes in you and embraces you without restraint and faces you and faces the world without restraint. It accepts you without measure and confronts you without limit. It embraces your past and that which you cannot control and did not choose and arms you with everything you can. True love is a dance between extremes.

Figuring out where the line is is the hardest part of all. Being both judge and comforter is a hard task. Hard enough that most humans have had to distribute the burden. But we each do our part to be both in ourselves, whatever our primary aptitude is. So do not let the judge in your despise the comforter, or the comforter despise the judge. Both are needed for life and growth. A walled garden produces the most delicate blooms, enslaved to their own protection and endless care. An unwatered field produces the roughest and most prickly of weeds, tough and grasping for every foothold. We do not seek to produce either the rarified flowers of the summerhouse or the harsh thistles of the heath. We are gardeners tending a seed of great potential, strong enough to be planted anywhere and weather every condition, lovely and productive enough to enoble every landscape. We give the world the gift of that which grows within what the world is while creating what it could be. We are the one that demands that the price be paid and the one that helps to pay it.

If we try to steal away half the story, if we shut the door on either half of life, we will wonder endlessly why our garden does not grow as it should.

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Disadvantage

There is no upper limit to the amount of different ways a person can be disadvantaged. And for a great majority of people and these factors, our possession of them is neither to our credit or our detriment. We neither produced nor refused them, they are simply part of the fabric from which we are cut and the topography of where we must begin our journey. Much more productive than asking, how can we eliminate these disadvantages, of which there is no end, is the question, how can we secure for ourselves those advantages that will sustain us and guide us and help us make the most of who we are and our given moment in history. In other words, how can we make ourselves better and better able to handle ourselves and produce good out of any situation, regardless of what it is?

Two songs

This is the song that makes me feel like I’m a kid again, at home with my mom in our living room, on a peaceful afternoon. All those memories come back, the feeling of safety, of ease, of being cared for, of freedom, of relaxing after a good day, of looking forward to more good things. This song makes me feel the experience of being inside the world of my mother’s love and care.

https://youtu.be/eCCan3TFPoc

This song also sparked deep feelings in me as a kid. I dint know the words, but I felt the longing. This song pulled my heart of out my chest as a kid, and it still does. My mother had this CD and listened to it a lot of quiet afternoons. I didn’t know what it was from or what it meant. But I could tell that it meant something! It was speaking to me about fall leaves crinkling and blowing away on a cool, breezy, sunny day, and regret and loss. The autumn of the heart.

https://youtu.be/-JbAQHqpdh4

Why I react so much to the words and thoughts of others

Excerpted from a personal letter.

In my life, people I love bring home things and say things that really concern and disturb and upset me. They arouse dissonance within. Friends, family members. I’m the sort of person who can’t help but have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things. It’s just who I am. I hear things and I react, I mentally try to take them to their furthest conclusions and try to see if I can integrate them with all other spheres of knowledge and human action. I push everything to its extremes and to its furthest levels of interconnection. And because almost everyone is coming from some limited perspective on things and especially because people are at such odds in how they express themselves these days (and are moving progressively to more and more extreme versions of ideologies), there’s never any shortage of troubling and problematic ideas to rub up against.

Through other people I’m exposed to words, feelings, ideas, ideologies, assumptions, passions. And I don’t want to, but I can see what’s dangerous or unbalanced or problematic or incomplete about all of them, all the time, from every direction. The conservatives are freaking me out, and so are the liberals. The Christians are freaking me out, and so are the non-Christians. I can’t find any safe place to stand or listen. I never have, but it’s even worse now. These things really concern me.
And I’m hearing about them more and more all the time from my friends and family and coworkers and aquaintances, they’re swallowing up the world. Everyone has become a source, a point in the conflict. Everyone is a venue for me getting exposed to the ideological struggles and perspectives. Everyone always was, because everyone is unique and has their own perspective and approach. People are just able to be driven to greater extremes than before, thanks to the current social and media environment and how it’s able to reach and influence us.
So I’m hearing things from all around me, different things from different sides, depending on where people are coming from. And I can’t help but hear it all and be concerned and worried. There’s no getting away from it, and there’s no getting away from me and how I react to it. And you you bring home some of those things too. Different from what this person or that might bring up. And you know who else does brings those things home to me? Me! I’m one of the people, and I tend to bring myself problems from across the spectrum.
So what I’ve decided is that I can’t make having no conflicts or concerns or disagreements be the basis of my relationships. I can’t make resolving them be the basis of my casual, working, friendship, family, or love relationships. It’s just not possible. Because I can’t even sort things out within myself. I can’t resolve all the serious concerns and conflicts in my own mind. And if I can’t do it there, or among my own carefully chosen influences and people I want to hear from, then it can’t be had. It’s not a basis for building my peace and focus in life.
So yes, sometimes things you say and think upset me and worry me. But things I think upset me. Things everyone thinks concern and upset me. But I realized that fixing all that isn’t what I’m called to do. I’m called to love my family. I’m called to love my wife. I’m called to love my neighbors and parents and coworkers. That’s what I’ve got to do. If something is getting in the way of me being able to do that, I’ve got to push it down and reduce its influence and effect on me. Right now that’s social media, because it’s just too fraught, compared to normal, face to face interactions.
I understand what you’re feeling because I’ve felt it myself, for quite a while. I’ve been afraid to say what I think about things to other people for a long time, because it’s always yielded such poor results and left me on the outside of everything. I know it’s hard to believe about someone who seems so loquacious and seems to speak calmly and confidently often, but I’ve not felt able to really share my thoughts or feelings with anyone hardly. I just let out what it seems like I can when it seems like it’s fairly safe. And at some point I gave up on there being much point and decided people couldn’t be reasoned with, so why bother trying?
Being me and expressing myself didn’t get me anywhere in college, or in church. And at some point I had a revelation that I was taking way too much for granted. I had assumed that most people shared way more in common with me than I thought, and I was way more of a radical and outlier than I had thought, although people had been telling me so for quite a while. I still think of myself as quite conventional.
I had that moment with you too, when I realized I had been taking way too much for granted. That your idea of what the world was like and what it consisted of and how you understood it were actually similar to mine. Your faith also had a very different origin and expression and self understanding than my own, I realized. In many ways we came from completely different backgrounds, despite our apparent proximity. And I realized that my own ideas about things weren’t so common and probably placed me at a great distance from everybody. So I felt like I didn’t have a common ground with anyone and couldn’t really talk to or understand or be understood by anyone any more. And that included you, and in a way it included me too. I knew from listening to people that a lot of what I thought was actually intolerable. That I would be the enemy if anyone knew how I felt or what I thought.
And since I was afraid of everyone, including you, I stopped talking, mostly. I stopped listening. I got off social media, and I’m off again now. I got very depressed. Then, later, I worked my way through it. I gave myself space. I got off of social media. I refocused on the world in front of me. I tried to figure out how someone like me was supposed to live and have relationships in the world as it was.

I tried to learn how to live in such a way so that my relationships weren’t based on a lack of tension or on resolving of the tension of concerns or disagreements or differences I might have with people, because apparently I’m a weirdo who can’t help but have a lot and can’t help seeing them and can’t even avoid them in himself. Since I can’t yet resolve the complications within me, I’ve got to live with them. And that means living with it in the world and people around me too. And focusing on what we share and have in common. Using that to figure out how to serve and love them, because that’s all I can do.

I’m still having a hard time with it. Every day I wake up and my feet are dancing and my heart is racing and pounding in my ears, and I don’t want to get up. Some nights I’m so anxious I can hardly fall asleep. I’m afraid to talk to people about anything important. I’m afraid to hear from anyone about anything important. I feel unsafe. I escape into my electronic journal to have a safe space where I can express myself and not have to worry about what anyone thinks of it but me. Where I can voice my thoughts and concerns and know that no one has to read it and knows what they are. Because I don’t want to fight the whole world, and I don’t want the world to despise me and hate me and feel offended at me. I can’t extract this part of me, so I found somewhere to put it and keep it.
Its harder for me with some people because I care about them more. Care more about what they think and feel, care more about how they would react . Care more about my own distance and isolation from them and how speaking could make it even worse. And that worries me. Because I care more about them than anyone else, because they can affect me more than anyone else, I’m more afraid of them than of anyone else. But those are my msot important social connections. You might recontexutalize how you interpret the various ways I act toward you, stupid and aggravating as they often are, in light of the assumption that at all times I’m afraid.
I’ve been afraid people have been leaving me behind in where their minds and hearts and thoughts are going for a while now. That they’re going places I don’t understand, can’t share in, and can’t follow. I’ve been worried I’m leaving myself behind. And at some point I realized that maybe I was never in the same place as anyone in the first place. Maybe I was always far off in crazy town. Maybe I’m only just now waking up to reality of it. And maybe I’m upset by all the reminders, because they’re a painful reminder of a reality and a comfort I’ve lost and maybe never had.
I don’t know if I’m saying anything helpful. I’m trying to give insight that might be helpful. I want you to know what I want. I want to love you and care for you. I want to have my life be about my family and be about loving and enjoying them. And I feel like there’s this whole other world that is trying to wreck all that and distract us all and drive us up the wall and pull us apart, and I just can’t stand to hear any of it any more, because some stupid part of me (that comes from a place that doesn’t want to sit well with anyone or anything) can’t help but struggle with it and want to resolve that conflict. I don’t want to be a part of any of it, I don’t want to get dragged into it, I just want my life.
And this has given me two realizations. First, my realization that you deserve the same. I think it’s a very unjust world where an earnest, caring, thoughtful person like you is unable to feel at rest and is driven out of groups that you want so much to belong to and serve. There’s something dreadfully wrong with the whole world, if that’s what’s happening. But it’s unfair to expect you to resolve it or live with it. I can’t make myself do it, can’t figure it out myself, so it’s unjust to expect you to do it. So you deserve some space and some rest, if you can find it.
I wonder if there isn’t something wrong with the whole world that this seems to be the feeling everywhere (expressed differently as it may be), that there might not be some larger reality we’re all suffering from that’s driving this experience on every side of every spectrum, and it’s not just whatever each single person thinks the problem is. That the ubiquity of reactions across the spectrum show that it’s not a wall pushing against us from one side that’s responsible but walls closing in from all sides, leaving no room, driving everyone into a panic. And that’s something I’m still trying to understand. I don’t think the problem is here or there. I think it’s everywhere. It’s something bigger that’s just finding homes in every side. And I’m not sure where it’s headed or how to respond to it. And that’s part of what disturbs me.
My second realization is that I need to give you space to walk your own path and live your personal history, just as I’m trying to find mine. And unlike me, you may not have reached the point of deciding that there are no safe places to talk and be yourself. You want to be able to talk and share and have sympathy and safety within a group of like minded and understanding people. And it’s not very pleasant for you if I’m not good at being one of those people, because I can’t seem to hear from people about things without being uncomfortable and afraid and disagreeable and disturbed in my mind. I’ve been trying to find a solution to this. I think this is an area where I just need to admit guilt. Just because I’m suffering in this way doesn’t mean it’s fair for you to also.
I have good will toward you. There’s nothing I want in the world more than to love you and make you happy. Unfortunately all I have to work with is this me that I am and this world that we’re in. All I have is the children and family and coworkers and neighbors and country that I actually have. So I’m trying to embrace it. I’m trying to find strength.

So just know that I’m trying. And I want to love you and help you and comfort you and give you rest and pleasure. I don’t have many good works to my name. I’m very imperfect. In fact I’m often awful and disappointing and pathological and undeserving. But maybe you can count my faith as righteousness. I want to love you. I believe in our love. I’m just made of such inadequate materials. And you’re going to suffer because of it, because I’m going to do things badly. But at least you know what I want to do them well.

I remain, always yours

Strategies for unity 

Unity and peace among people won’t be found by focusing on our differences but by embracing our commonalities. Representation is an incoherent concept for fixing human society and eliminating injustice because there is no limit to how you can divide people by their differences. If we can’t find the commonality within one another and set our standards higher than some power game of personal preference, we’ll always be chasing justice, always resenting one another, always be finding some new problem.

In the end, we’re individuals, and we can be subdivided right up to our single identities. We don’t have to embrace pure collectivism and uniformity to solve the problems of humanity. And we don’t have to embrace solipsism and divisionism and radical individualism either. There’s a diversity of individuals and a unity of essence in the human race. There are qualities we all share and aspire to. If we make them our focus, principles, instead of identity, we can preserve our individuality and unite our commonalities.

The more we focus on tit for tat and retroactive responsive, corrective jerrymandering, because we’re focused on division, difference, and individualities, the more we’ll drift away from our goals and principles in the end. Deliberate inconsistency won’t help us be principled or unified. Deliberate inconsistency is the problem, not the solution.